Mom's musings

One of those days

2012-02-17T17:16:00.000-08:00

You know I don't believe in keeping stuff to myself, I find I feel much better when I can talk it out with someone...not everyone. I don't have many who read my blog but those of you who have been invited you are considered to be trusted friends. I have always felt cared for and supported.

So today was a day...you see we have been struggling with Emily, she is suffering from depression. Not just stress from being a teen but true depression. She is trying a medication and while it is hard to really see how well it is working, as her mood is fairly up and down. Her doctor thinks we need to keep a watch for a bit longer before we increase the dose. But...today I got a call from the school counsellor, it seems Emily has been "cutting" herself. This is not a new phenomenon for our family as our older kids have also done this, why us? why them? I don't know perhaps because 1 did it the others seem to see it as ok? Or perhaps its something they hear about at school...I do not know and even though we have been through it before I still feel as helpless as I did in the past.

No one wants to know their kids are "hurting" physically or mentally especially if it is at their own hands. Sigh it just seems that our family is so prone to this stuff...I do not understand why and will admit I am very tired from it. Our kids tell us they have a good family, good parents, good home life yet still we struggle so much with our mental health.

So I'll just do the one thing I know how to do and that is pray, and ask for prayer...
Thank you my friends...I will keep you updated on the developments.

post valentines day

2012-02-15T09:43:00.000-08:00

Over all it was a very nice day...not a romantic one but a nice one. Keith bought me some daffodils and took me out to dinner on the weekend...to miss the crowds.

So yesterday I had a nice coffee time with Bev and Maryanne while we discussed Women's ministry and wrapped up planning for our upcoming event this Saturday. I do wish people knew how much work we put into events, perhaps more would come out. I am hoping for a dozen or so we just aren't sure. Maryanne and I then went and signed up for a Quilting class for the end of March...I am so blessed by their company and friendship.

Then it was home for a nice nap, with the sun shining in my windows it was warm and cozy...just perfect. Taylor had a counselling appt. so it was off to the downtown, only to find out it was cancelled...hmmmm she thinks she might have heard something maybe but wasn't sure...teenagers! Oh well we skipped off to fabric land for a browse then stopped at Wendys for a valentines dinner treat...Keith was working the hockey game and Meghan was home with a headache so it was just myself and the "little" girls.

Too funny the music playing while we were there was...well down right depressing...break up type songs...the girls figured that it must be only the people without dates who eat there on Valentines day...we were waiting for someone to break out into tears and start singing along haha...ok not funny but those girls come up with the weirdest things sometimes. Like British accents announcing all of the signs and streets from downtown to valleyview...yikes!

Now the icing on the cake ends up being the really sad story of the day...I bought some chocolate hearts for the girls...but cant remember where I put them yikes my memory is bad. So we came home and enjoyed some cheesecake...which I thought was better than chocolate...which I picked up from Safeway.

All in all a fairly decent valentines day.

Ever wish...

2012-02-14T22:27:00.000-08:00

you had someone else's life? I wonder why some people think everyone else's life is better than their own. I am honestly tired of people (person) thinking I have a "good" thing going on. I am going to admit something...something that some people would find surprising as they know what is really going on in my life... I am blessed, greatly by our Lord. Even in all the ups and downs of my life I choose to believe God has a grand plan for my life, wether it is today, tomorrow or in eternity. I don't really care so much when it will be I just trust with all my heart that it will happen. I will also say this I wouldn't wish my "life experiences" on anyone else...that is up to God and the path he sets for other folk, but I certainly would not wish it on anyone, it is hard, painful and full of uncertainty.

So always remember your life is your own...the good, bad and the ugly but it is the path God has set for you and I believe there will be a reward based on how you live your life that He gives you...but don't ever wish for someone else's because I also believe you can get what you wish for...but I do not think it will be sent by God and I don't believe you will be equipped for it.

Yup thats it for today...I'm done my rant!

An awesome day!

2012-02-11T16:19:00.000-08:00

My lovely friend Sheila came today to be the elbow and energy that I am lacking...we put away the winter decorations, moved all of my craft stuff downstairs...organized my stamps, buttons and ribbon while chatting away...she did some laundry, dishwasher, and a general tidy! Sigh I am in heaven...so many things done in 1 day all while enjoying each others company...a more perfect day I can't even imagine. So many things taken off of my to do list!

Yay!

Free dog...needs good home full of...

2012-02-10T09:48:00.000-08:00

stupid enough people to take him...it has been a nightmarish adventure with our beagle the last 2 days. Not that every day isn't an adventure with this knucklehead.

It all started early yesterday morning...well 830 ish I put the dogs out for a pee and bark...1 came in while the other was out exploring the yard! 10-15 minutes later there is a knock on my door a lady asking if bosley was home? I am trying to process this question and thinking to myself yes he is in the yard as she tells me she just saw a loose beagle running around on the road. I roll my eyes and say if there is a loose beagle out there than there is a 99.999999999999999999% chance it is mine. A quick look in the back yard confirms it and off I go to look for him in the car.

Takes about 10 minutes to find him, he usually jumps in the car because he loves car rides but I have a new car and he wasn't 100% sure he should get into a strange car. So here I am in the middle of Aberdeen drive trying to convince him to come in. Finally he does, we get home and I take him to the front door...now remember I've been whining lately about my sore elbow...well he gets to the door and I have to unlock it...he seems eager to get in so I let go for 1 milli-second and he's gone... I jump back into the car and pull up close to him, this time there is no way in h.e...double hockey sticks he is getting back in the car.

So I go back home thinking I'll let him run himself out then grab the good dog to go for a car ride to see if that will encourage the bad dog to get in. So I finally find him 2 cul-de-sacs down he sees me and boots it into someones back yard, thankfully the people were out trying to figure out who the dog was and they helped me corner him....1st adventured done.

So the rest of the day goes smoothly, Emily and Meghan have an appointment and on our way home I grab a roast chicken from safeway for dinner...The girls sit down to eat, I'll wait till Keith gets home...the girls finish eating and all 3 of them leave the table with the dessicated chicken sitting on the table...Adventure # 2 ever try to get a chicken carcass away from a dog...well my dog...I think he inhaled the whole thing...yup he ate it...yup I know how dangerous chicken bones are for dogs...yup my girls apologized profusely for not cleaning up after themselves and I yelled and said I am not paying for any vet bills if he gets sick except the one to put him down...not a good dog story day...oh but I'm not done yet.

So as I worry about the effects of his meal thru the evening he seems fine, our beagle the great garbage disposal...he has eaten plastic baggies, tin foil...chocolate...gummy bears...skittles...and now a whole chicken carcass. So off to bed we go.

Adventure #3...you see this rotten dog sleeps with Meghan, because he is a bed hog and snores like an avalanche so this morning when he begged to get out and she just opened her door and let him go without getting up herself...you see where this is going don't you...she did wonder why he was being such a retard...running to the family room the kitchen and back again but she didn't bother to get up....until the blood curdling scream of Emily and Taylor as they were leaving for school...I stay in bed it is better for my fibro symptoms and Keith was getting ready for work...The dog, the stupid retarded evil dog has pooped on the rug...ok...no biggie just chuck the rug outside its rubber I'll get Meghan to hose it off later...so I finally get up thinking there is no way to get back to sleep and walk downstairs...well the odor that met me was beyond explainable...I quickly checked to make sure there was no repeat accident...and nearly lost all my cookies on the quick look. Nope just the after linger smell.

So I go get my swiffer washer and think guess I'll wash the floor to get rid of the odor...now I am not kidding it took every bit of reserve I had to wash that floor, then realize the windows are open on the french doors and the covered mat is just sitting a few feet from the windows....duh...so I closed the window and will send Meghan out to move the rug later.

Now really I have no idea what to do with this dog...I do feel responsible to care for him, I'm not one to just give him away or put him down...but if I could do it without the reaction I know would come from my daughter and husband I definately would!

Sorry for the novel but I really needed to get that out... :|

Argh

2012-02-09T13:08:00.000-08:00

Now I am just getting frustrated...having a sore elbow really really bites! It has been a week now...and while it is slowly improving I am still quite limited on how much I can use it...every time I do something that involves moving the elbow I end up sitting and "listening" to it gripe and throb for some time after.

Now there is also another issue...while I'm not puttering about doing chores...oh wait issues, I'm not up puttering about doing chores therefore the house and laundry are messes! But while I am bored I'm surfing the net...checking out etsy, lualla and anything else I find along the way...problem is it is too easy to shop from my chair...sigh

I have been good, not too much shopping...but I just so want my elbow to feel better so I can get back to doing my thing...as little as my thing is I still like to be able to do the simple tasks of keeping my home tidy!

Dessert and tears

2012-02-08T18:38:00.000-08:00

Seems like an odd combination, but it was exactly what I needed today. I am so blessed to have friends who are so good at just listening, hugging and praying. I know I keep things bottled up for too long and when it is time for the dam to burst...well it just floods.

So I am so grateful today for a date with my friend Sheila. Over the weekend I sent her a message via facebook...it went something like this..."hey you....I want dessert...just saying...no pressure...hahahaha"
she called me silly and we left it at that...so yesterday she called in response to another facebook message that was a cry for help with some work I need to do at home, I have a very sore elbow right now and can't do too much with out a lot of pain, and during that call a date was made for today for dessert and tea...I brought the tears on my own.

While there were no great answers or solutions to the issues that I am struggling with it just helped to be able to lay it out and have a good cry over it all.

I am so blessed...thank you God!

A whole lot of owies!

2012-02-07T09:36:00.000-08:00

It has been a weird couple of weeks for my "pain"...last week my ribs were so sore I could barely touch them....this week it is a sore elbow. Hurts to even pick up an empty glass. Thankfully these types of owies usually only last for a short time usually not much longer than a week. So today I am thankful that my elbow is on the mend it seems I can pick up a glass today with just a little squeak of discomfort...still I will take it easy on that arm today and try not to aggravate it anymore as I do find it aggravates me quite a lot when I have such a big owie.

As for the rest of me I'm stiff and achy but not doing too badly for me!

Started with my new cpap machine last night, managed fairly well. It will take a few days to get comfortable with it again but I am hopeful it will make some difference in how I feel if anything a bit less foggy in the morning.

Otherwise it has been a quiet couple of days. I am hoping to get some laundry done today and work in the craft room some more...I have to get started on Emily's party decorations and I am very excited about that~!

Finally isn't it just beautiful outside...minus the fog....but even that has a beauty to it... the frost on the trees and grass are breathtaking...I could live all winter with it.

Enjoy your day whatever you may be up to!

So excited

2012-02-04T14:47:00.000-08:00

Emily's birthday is this month and while we were discussing what she wanted to do I threw out why not do a costume party with a theme...she says ya....what theme. I'm like oooooooh lets do Alice in Wonderland tea party!!!!!

So thats what we are doing....I will be hanging banners and balloons and stuff on the ceiling, decorating the dining room in the theme from the movie! ooooohhhh sounds like fun...my mind is reeling...lots of ideas and fun....Now to figure out how to do it on a budget....Already the creative juices are flowing...

I need some cake stands/treat stands like the 3 tiered ones etc...so if you have any or know of someone who would lend me some please let me know...we will have sandwiches, cake, cookies...sugar rush city! And costumes...We know someone who has a dress that looks very Alicey...if they still have it...

I loved having girls and themed parties...and am so glad Emily is still into this stuff...it is a lot of work but if I start now I should be good...if anyone wants to help....you are very welcome!

the weekend

2012-02-04T09:10:00.000-08:00

It is funny because I had a career where the weekend never meant much as I worked a fair number of weekends in my career of 20 years. They usually meant a slower pace than weekdays at work or if I had one off with the family it usually meant busy days at home with the family.

Now that I am not working...sorry to everyone who does still... my weekends are not very different from the weekdays. Subtle things we get to sleep in and I try not to do much "tidying" but really its very much the same as the rest of the week.

Now that Matthew has moved out it looks like we will be doing a Sunday dinner and spend time with him in the evenings which is very delightful.

Today my plan is to tidy up my desk...it is a mess and work on some projects in my craft room plus move some more stuff down there...that will be limited as I have a very sore elbow today, likely related to all the toilet plunging I did yesterday if you happened to catch my facebook update, if not the short version was plugged toilet...it is a leaky toilet...Keith said he'd fix it later...leaky toilet overflowed while I was out...tried to unplug it myself...tank emptied into bowl...major flood...used every towel and spare blanket to sop up mess...fixed toilet! Now my elbow is very very sore...no hand shaking at church tomorrow!

Ha! My life is so crazy...Meghan says I wouldn't know what to do with myself if it was a more "normal" life!!! I disagree I would know exactly what to do...ummmm I think!

A rough night

2012-02-03T09:52:00.000-08:00

Later in the evening last night I let down the gates that are holding back my emotions surrounding Meghan and the things going on in her life. It is so hard to reconcile in my mind right vs wrong. I read a great article, another Christian couple who have gone through what we are going through and what they said helped some.

I know I have to make a choice here. It may not be popular with everyone but I am beginning to see there is no middle ground. I have to accept fully in order to accept her fully. Love without any exceptions all things about her. There is no switch...I wish I could change her... I really feel very alone.

Please pray...

Forever Families

2012-02-02T19:04:00.000-08:00

While watching the Global news this week we were very moved by a series called "forever families" it was about teenagers in the system waiting to be adopted. While watching the series both Keith and I were very moved by it and with the situation we are in right now with Miss Taylor living here it really hit home.

I can't imagine what it would feel like having no family...as much as they drive me crazy sometimes. I just can't comprehend not having someone to call when I'm sad, sick, angry or lonely. Sometimes it seems like friends take up a large portion of those needs but they have lives and families to deal with and then that leaves family. For some this is the first call for others the second or even last to call but for most of us we always know they are there for us always.

Now the other thing I know for sure adding an extra person to the family dynamics is neither easy nor perfect but really I am sure of this it would be awarding. Now it isn't like we are thinking of running out to do this but it is something we will think about and pray about. If it is something God wants us to do then we are open I figure we have the opportunity to love another child and it is certainly awesome when another child loves us back.

Few...I'm tired

2012-02-02T10:18:00.000-08:00

I am tired today, physically...but mentally my mind is going a mile a minute! So many things I want to do, even some of the more mundane chores, which is weird. Usually I am able to just accept my low energy levels or higher pain levels (my back is really bugging me today) but today all I can think about are the things I want to do...well it doesn't help that I want to start moving stuff into my craft room and start decorating it with some "project" ideas I have...

I went to Michael's yesterday they had 40% off of their cube storage units so I bought a couple of things, 2 cubes for storing scrap booking paper in, 1 cube with window fronts for storing "things" and 2 baskets that I want to use to store fabric in....a crafty way!

They are all still out in my car...sigh...by the time I was finished shopping I was too tired to carry them in and take them to the basement and I didn't want them to be lying on the floor...maybe later I'll get them right now I need to go wash my hair as I have appointments this afternoon for the girlies...Emily is getting impressions done for her braces and Meghan has an appointment at Open door.

So I will just have to accept that this morning is a do little morning, pop some pills for the pain and see if they help and hope that this afternoon is better....there is always hoping!

Oh yes and I finally got my results back from my sleep study...sigh...no surprise but I have severe sleep apnea and it was highly recommended that I buy the 3000.00 machine and use it. Thank God for extended medical...I am actually excited, it is just another "key" to the fibromyalgia web as poor sleep is seen as one of the top factors in fibro and while I did my trial I did wake feeling brighter and more rested and I actually tolerated sleeping with the mask on quite well. So hopefully within the next week or so I should have my shiny new device and start feeling some improvements.

So now I am off to wash and dry my new hair do! :)

new to me!

2012-02-01T10:50:00.000-08:00

We have decided that I should move my crafts down into Matt's bedroom, with Taylor living with us we aren't thinking of taking in a boarder right now, just too much. So we have emptied the room and while it needs some repair work on the walls I am terribly excited to have a table for sewing a table for crafts and room to put my stuff in order...finally!

Keith may join me down there so that Taylor can have the main floor bedroom but that will only be temporary.

So I have some pics....and have been surfing many "crafty blogs" for inspiration so I will update the pics as the room comes together....perhaps we will have to have a gathering of friends to christen it with a "craft" party!

the plan is to have an L shaped desk along the back wall and where the table is with a small roound table in the middle of the room

See the repair it needs...some anger issues with my oldest...that corner will eventually have shelves...but for now will host Keiths desk...I am very excited to be able to have a place to spread out.

Oh yes and here is my new hairdo...much shorter and way easier to manage! And behind me is my new chair I got for our fmily room I so love the colors of it!

It's what mom's do....sigh

2012-01-31T07:46:00.000-08:00

I was abruptly woken this morning by Taylor, telling me Emily needed help in the bathroom...so I jumped out of bed and wobbled my way to the bathroom. She had thrown up and unfortunately was already sitting on the toilet when it happened...sigh. But that is what mom's are for, cleaning up the unfortunate messes in life. I tried not to wrinkle up my face too much or gag too loudly!

Oh well I am up now and she feels better...guess dinner just didn't agree with her. Today is take the dogs to the vet day they both have "growths" they need looked at. Chase has one under his chin and Bosley has one on his side...tumors! Ha, thought we should get them looked at before we need to start feeding them! Ewww.

Yesterday I had to skip swimming...my ribs have been very painful for a number of days, nope I didn't do anything to them it's just the place that fibro pain set in. Made it hard to laugh or cough for the last couple of days. It seems a bit better today, I can touch my side without too much discomfort we shall see how it does thru the day. But because I didn't go swimming I decided to get my hair cut...shorter...I'll post a pic after my shower today. I found I was really dreading washing my hair, I have to really pay attention to my energy levels and some mornings that was all I could manage was a wash and dry, no other chore would get done. It's not shaved short...but chin short!

This week our plan is to hopefully get Matt's old room cleaned out and move my craft room and Keith's office to the basement so we can use our office room for a bedroom for Taylor while she is here. The girls are still in the "honeymoon" stage of living together but I very sure they will want some space in the days to come.

So I am hopeful for a fruitful week...

Wow what a week

2012-01-29T14:55:00.000-08:00

It was crazy and busy and filled with blessings. From swimming to serving it met all my needs there and in between.

It was a tough week for exercise, Wednesday I hit the wall of fatigue and barely made it out of the pool. Luckily I have a comfy bed that welcomes me regularly for rejeuvenating naps. I won't bore you with the details of the pain and fatigue lets just say it was a long week.

I was able to meet with some ladies from a previous arthritis session and see how well they are doing after the class...it is encouraging to see smiles and a lightness to them compared to when we first met.
Some have lost weight, quit jobs, made new friends and begun good habits for their chronic conditions. So very encouraging!

I was also able to do something that is very close to my heart and even though I can't do all I want or very often it is always a deep pleasure to help at Focus club Friday. Lucky for me there are always "easy" tasks that I can do and feel like I am being helpful. Just don't ask me to man the can opener...I don't think I even made it one full turn before I gave up on that one. One time I will actually stay and watch the whole event I think...it looks like a lot of fun!

Saturday I was blessed by a phone call from my mom....she was cheerful and chatty. It was a great conversation, I don't think I can remember one like it happening for a very long time. It left me feeling really great!

The week wrapped up with a games/pizza night for ladies at church, 12 people came and seemed like everyone had a fun time. We shared some of our upcoming plans and had a good response so things are looking good in that department.

So today I am tired...very tired and other than sitting in my chair with HGTV on and my computer on my lap and I think I will stay put. I was going to have a nap but my night time sleeping has been rather poor the past few days...too much to think about...so I'm going to try and tough it out.

Well, here's to 1 crazy week and looking forward to the next...

Pretty things

2012-01-28T11:53:00.000-08:00

I love pretty things, I think most girls do. I love wool, paper, buttons, stickers, stamps...I love to make things and create things...I love to copy great ideas and improvise on others. I spend a lot of time just looking at created things...on my favorite website etsy.com. I have been inspired by images, people and events, I have knit hats for the homeless and created gifts for loved ones. I wish I had more energy to create things, but am content with what I am able to do. Lately I have been very inspired to create and even have an opportunity to make a new space for myself in our basement...not perhaps the best place, but I am excited because it is a big space and I will be able to set up stations.....sewing...paper...knitting...sigh heaven or as close to it for me while here on earth!

Here are a few pics of my inspiration of late...wish I was a better photographer, I will have to add that to my to do list!

some of my finds in Kelowna

wool for a blanket I'm making

square for blanket!

apothecary jars I got for a steal!

buttons and fabric...hmm

Days of our lives

2012-01-26T11:03:00.000-08:00

I am finding blogging these days to be very therapeutic...lots goes on in our lives some big some little but always there is a lot of "stuff" going on it is a great way to just say things like the are.

I so appreciate the little comments and words of support from the few who read this, I wish a few more of the people I've invited over the year or so I've been blogging would adopt this form of communication. I don't find it a substitute for real "coffee" time but a great adjunct...

I do feel though that it is a bit soap opery (sp?) but hey who's life isn't really...so I am going to have to find some fun to interject into it as well...

Last night I went to Sheilas and had a nice Nigerian meal...who knew I'd be so brave and who knew I'd actually enjoy it?!? Today is a kind of do nothing day...cleaned out the fridge and I have to go get some groceries but no real plans....Emily has finally cleaned her room and I must say there were a lot of garbage bags of stuff she doesn't use or want and just plain garbage that came out of there! I am proud she finally did it and there was a big reward attached to it so we will likely go out today or tomorrow to fulfill that.

So now my nails have dried and I am no longer needing to type carefully...haha I am off to put on a top coat and browse etsy while that dries...

Have a great day my friends

back to reality

2012-01-24T19:09:00.000-08:00

As great as a weekend away is, I feel it is such a short time. We had a very nice time in Kelowna this past weekend....a little shopping and a lot of lying around relaxing and some food thrown in there for good measure. The weekend started with a text from Meghan before we even got to Valleyview, the dogs got into a fight and chase was bleeding, she remained very ill through the weekend and at one point a text that arrived saying why don't we have any hot water!!!! Yikes...luckily the dog wasn't terribly hurt, Meghan is now on the mend (finally) and the hot water...well it seems to be working fine now...but it might be time to budget for a new one in the near future. The weekend ended with a nice visit with my mom and luckily she had her water working again as their water line had burst during the cold weather. Today I got the keys back from our neighbours nephew...we are watching the house and the water lines froze in the house, lucky for us the nephew is a plumber so he worked on it all week getting the lines open!

So now we are home...fighting off the flu bug that has hit 2 of the 4 of us so far...Keith and I both feel a bit of a sore throat some nasal symptoms but over all better off than the girls. This week is a busy one with swimming twice, women's ministry meeting today and event on Saturday, arthritis support group meeting, a night out for a Nigerian meal and stories of a trip, a request to help with the focus dinner that unfortunately will have to wait and see if I can add it in and finally a last minute call to care for Emily's friend Taylor as her dad is out of town and the step mom doesn't want her in the house while her dad is gone~!!!!! So we are giving lots of love and support to Taylor and praying her dad finds a way to make a right decision in regards to the mess their family is in.

collectibles

2012-01-21T14:01:00.000-08:00

I have never been a real fan of collecting certain things...just more stuff to dust but lately I have fallen in love with 2 things...birds (especially owls) and clocks...I think it might be time to start searching out the good deals and of the strange, weird and wonderful..and of course aesthetically pleasing to my eye!
Some definitely jump out at me more than others...

So we shall see what happens...the first two sample pics I already own...the others are just examples

The top 2 owls I just bought at Michaels and the clock sits on my desk near my computer to remind me while I am doing the bills and budget that God is in control of our lives not the actually dollars we make each month as Keith continues to work only on call. So occasionally I shall update you on my purchases...keep an eye out for a hooting good time! ahahahhahahhahhaa I'm too funny with the pun.

excited I am

2012-01-19T08:34:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow morning Keith and I will be off for a weekend away. To say I am excited is an understatement...it feels like it has been forever since we have abandoned the home front and gone away to refresh our minds and hearts. I do think it has been awhile...we used to do it yearly then something happened and we missed a year or 2 I think...likely due to me being unwell...but unwell or not we are going. We booked a suite so it has a couch/chair/spa tub/king bed/fireplace and a spa! I will be taking full advantage of them all!

Will throw in a little shopping just to satisfy that part of my personality...I have a few "crafty" ideas I've been wanting to try so I have put off buying what I need and will do that while in Kelowna.

So I shall fill you in on "some" of the details when I get back....tee hee hee! Have a great weekend everyone~

How many blogs

2012-01-17T09:47:00.000-08:00

How many will have a theme of brrrr...its cold out there today? Well mine does. Thankfully I am not doing too badly I have a block heater in the car and a quick jaunt out the door to start it early to start warming up. Had to drive Meghan to her last group session today, way too cold to stand at a bus plus she is still sounding terrible but wanted to go to her class. I will also go pick her up, again just way to cold to stand at a bus stop and she doesn't have proper winter wear for this kind of weather.

So I shall make to quick jaunts out today and be thankful it isn't any more than that. Poor Keith has been called into work for the next 3 days, thankfully their policy is when it is this cold they use the vehicles to drive around in and check for expired meters. Someone obviously called in "cold" hahaha...we joked about that yesterday. Wondering if anyone would call in sick with the weather being this cold...I guess they did...good for us so we aren't really complaining and I'll make him a yummy supper to warm up his bones when he gets home...

So stay warm for the next few days my dear friends! I think I'm even going to keep all the curtains pulled to try and keep the furnace from working to hard today!

The sounds of croup

2012-01-16T20:14:00.000-08:00

Well I must say it has been a long time since I have heard the barky cough of croup, as a matter of fact it is a childhood disease, that is rarely seen in children over the age of 3...but not my Meghan. She had it as a babe, a youngster and now as a young adult.

It is a terrible sound and I must say my nerves are just as fried now as they were when she was 3. Mostly I think because I know how quickly it can go from annoying to dangerous in a matter of hours. It can happen in adults, it is no longer called croup but hey if it sounds like a seal and looks like a seal then I'm calling it croup.

Hopefully she will manage thru this inflammation of the airways without any trouble. She went from a dry cough to a croupy cough within a matter of hours so I am hopeful that it won't get any worse or need a trip to emerg for any drugs.

Even more importantly as this is the 2nd one down with symptoms of a bug that neither Keith or I meet this bug before our trip to Kelowna...its like a death watch...of "you feeling ok?" "yup, you?" "ok so far"....yikes

Praying for quick healing for my girls and no illness for Keith and I...

Oh energy where fore art thou?????

2012-01-15T13:53:00.000-08:00

Please help I've lost my energy:

It is 5'7", bubbly and friendly, enjoys shopping, crafting and visiting with friends, it has wandered off on its own and left its owner a quivering mess. Award offered if found and returned.

This definitely needs to be published in the paper, as I am no good in this state at all. I have important things coming up this week that I need to accomplish. Swimming begins on Monday and Wednesday and I have an exciting weekend retreat planned with my hubby. Well exciting for us anyway. It may look something like this if my energy doesn't improve...

Friday arrive at hotel in Kelowna...nap...dinner...hot tub...bed
Saturday...breakfast...spa...lunch...nap...dinner...hot tub...bed
Sunday...breakfast...nap...drive home...nap woo hoo excitement aplenty....

What I'd like it to look like

Friday...drive to Armstrong and visit with my mom, lunch, drive to Kelowna, shop, hotel, rest, dinner, hot tub, movie.
Saturday...breakfast...spa...lunch...shopping...nap...dinner...hot tub...scrabble or other fun game...
Sunday...breakfast...pack...shopping...lunch...drive home...nap... ok so it isn't much better but in my mind is sounds like way more fun

We shall see what is and what will be~!

my little car

2012-01-14T13:09:00.000-08:00

Yay I am finally behind the wheel of my own vehicle again!

Today I bought this cute little number, from a friend of mine. It is a 2005 Toyota echo...they now make it as a Prius. It is tiny but more than efficient for me for now. It will be nice to cut down on our monthly gas bill. It will take some getting used to I haven't owned a small car for a long time, really since my first vehicle which was a Dodge and that was back in the mid 80's.

So I am glad to have made a frugal "ish" decision and will be happy to just have my own wheels again.

the gift of lounging

2012-01-13T09:26:00.000-08:00

It is something that most people take for granted...that feeling when you first wake up and you feel so cozy you just enjoy the warmth of your bed...

I had one of those days yesterday, but I do not get them often. I usually wake up in some sort of pain or discomfort. So yesterday I took full advantage of it and even after my nap I lounged in bed for another hour just enjoying feeling good. Today I am forced up by stiffness and achiness. Then because I am up I am elected to drive Meghan downtown...now not that I am complaining because Keith has done more of the "taxi-ing" then I have but man it is "cold" outside!! My poor body only complains louder when the thermometer is below 0.

But I am home and I will enjoy a quiet day, only thing on the list that I have to do is go to the bank later and get the cheque made to go buy my little car! Woo hoo I will finally have my own transportation again. It is a funny story because I am buying it from my dear friend Billy...she has been picking me up and transporting me in it since September and now I will be picking her up and transporting her in it.

Funny how life works out sometimes. I shall post a pic of my new little putt..putt! I don't think I have ever owned a car this tiny but I will certainly enjoy the low gas mileage!

So I hope everyone has a good day...

confusion

2012-01-12T16:30:00.000-08:00

You know I really miss the days when I knew what my body was doing, you know if you exercised you'd feel it the next day or if you lifted or stretched the wrong way you would feel it and know what caused it. After such a terrible day yesterday and a rather sleepless night I am amazed at how I feel today.

Yesterday I had my 4th B12 shot...by bedtime last night I was feeling flushed and hot. I then spent the better part of last night awake...not tossing and turning and irritated but feeling a warm flush, and cozy in that pre-sleep state! Weird I woke this morning with a feeling of well being, rested and minimal pain. I went out this morning for tea with some friends I came home tired and had a nap. Now I'm up and feel fairly energized especially compared to yesterday.

Weird...or what!

Well we shall see what happens over the next few days...

oh dear...

2012-01-11T17:59:00.000-08:00

Sigh...fibro symptoms are on the rise again. Thankfully I had extra energy over the Christmas season but now I guess it is time to make up for that. I was so hoping to see and increase in energy as I received my boost in vitamin B12 but I have been feeling increasingly fatigued over the past few days. Needing to nap daily and then today 2 naps...yup 2. Slept from 11-1, had a Dr. appt and took Keith for blood work at RIH, I drive so he doesn't have to park then home for something to eat and back to bed from 330-5. My arms are so fatigued that they ache even at rest.

So now what to do with myself. Can't just sit around feeling sorry for myself...I need to find something I can do hmmm...I'll get back to you on that one.

Oh yes and I wanted to share a new favorite web site I found it is a shopping site, but it is also good to look at for crafting inspiration...go check it out especially if you love sets of colors...my red loving friend!

www.etsy.com...

ok so that has taken me 1/2 hour to write so I'm gonna go surf etsy and check out some pretty things!

a new appreciation

2012-01-10T09:05:00.000-08:00

I must admit I do have a new appreciation for any family that has managed day to day life with one vehicle...this morning is particularly not a great morning for having only 1 vehicle and I am so looking forward to Friday when I get to pick up my "little car" and we go back to having 2 vehicles in our driveway.

To start it is cold and windy...Keith works today and likes to be at work at least a half hour early plus there has to be time to stop for coffee at Tim's along the way so we are out the door by 740...Meghan has her morning appointment at the Open Door group which starts at 9...so we are out the door by 740...at Tim's for Keith's coffee...drop him at his work by 8. Then it is over to Tim's by the bus depot for coffee and breakfast with Meghan while we wait for her appointment. Luckily she is willing to go early and wait in the office so I drop her at 830 at the Open Door. Now its a quick rush home for some warmer clothes as it is freezing out there. Home for about an hour then I have a coffee appointment downtown with the girls helping me with Women's ministry.

Let me just say that is way too much activity for me before 10 am. I am now tired and ready for a nap but have to get ready to go out. Thankfully I can come home after and rest, likely another day where I will get nothing done in the house...sigh.

I just think having 1 vehicle in our house is not very practical, especially with my health...I need time in the morning to work out the kinks from the night before and usually morning is my best time for laundry and other house type work but when I start out so busy I just can't find the extra energy for those tasks.

So again I look forward to Friday and getting at least that part of my life back to the normal we once knew before 2011 hit!

Winter

2012-01-07T10:01:00.000-08:00

I have to admit, that while our mild winter is appealing in a lot of ways I miss the snow. It is really so beautiful and makes our stark winter landscape breathtaking. Maybe it is because of where I grew up, snow was a given every winter for months on end.

My first 10 years were spent in Mica Creek, a small community built by need for the construction of a dam. We were 1 hour plus north of Revelstoke and it was breathtaking...even as a small child I can remember the awe I felt of living in such a pristine environment. We lived in a double wide trailer and everything was walking distance...school, store, ski hill, toboganning hill, friends. It was a childs play ground.

We then moved to Armstrong, which gets a fair bit more snow than here still. I don't recall any brown Christmases there either. We had a small hobby farm, just shy of 10 acres, and a hill going down to the barn that was made for toboganning and a field at the front of the property for growing alfalfa that was perfect for skidooing and tubing.

So all in all I miss the white blanket that should cover the ground in these months of winter...I mean really if we live in a province that has 4 seasons then lets have 4 seasons...not 3.5...

That is my two bits on the subject...and no driving somewhere like Sun Peaks to fulfill my need for snow isn't going to cut it...I want to look out my window and see a mound of white stuff. So here are a couple of pics from Mica Creek...That big pile of snow is what the snow plow left at the end of the parking spot by our trailer...it made for great tobogganing!

Out with the old...

2012-01-05T08:55:00.000-08:00

but no new coming in...it is time to purge. In a house as big as ours one tends to not throw stuff out...why? Oh there is always some reason it seems...not going to the dump soon or it is still usable but where to give it.

But the purging is starting. We have the potential for a young girl to come and live with us, unfortunately that is a bit up in the air, it gives us a good reason to get rid of some junk. You know I found 3 broken Christmas trees in my storage room...it is a big room so 3 trees have just languished in there over the past 10 years we have lived here. One was donated to the church, it just had a missing branch so they said it could be used there the other 2 have broken stands and the only way to fix them is to weld them as they came with stands attached.

Other weird odds and ends have been found as well...kids stuff, my sisters stuff, my dad's stuff...and the list goes on...So while Keith is not working as much it is time to put him to work, as long as I can keep him inspired we should get some good work done.

I love purging and getting rid of stuff we don't use or need, hopefully most of it will find new homes and we won't be adding to the landfill too much.

So wish us luck and good energy I'll let you know of any other weird and wonderful things I find!

Such a good feeling

2012-01-04T08:54:00.000-08:00

I just have to say what a pleasing feeling it is to know someone I care about has just become engaged to a beautiful young woman. Andrew and Brittany I am so happy for you both. I am a bit away from this kind of excitement happening in my home so I will just take some pleasure from this.

How can you not feel a part of such a wonderful family. The Geddert home is full of love, compassion and empathy I always feel like I am part of something good when I am there...oh I know it isn't always roses, but you all have a way of making me feel special and loved.

So my heart is just full of happiness for everyone and I pray for years of happiness and joy. Mostly I pray for a strong relationship with Christ and thru that a strong relationship with each other.

Much love...

a day of driving...

2012-01-03T07:14:00.000-08:00

Today I spent the morning with my son driving him to Kelowna to pick up his girlfriend, Chelsea at the airport...why you ask did I drive him...

Well our latest vehicle experiences have been less than stellar...1st Matt's car broke down it spent a month in our garage while Keith fixed it in between working almost full time in December...then our truck died, fuel pump...many dollars later and a rental so we would be able to get about for a few days...then the discovery of a nail in Matt's winter tire. We decided to not tempt any type of fate and take the reliable rental, that only I can drive as Matt isn't old enough nor does he have a class 5 license yet and Keith is unable to drive because he forgot to renew his license on his birthday....sigh see what I mean no luck lately at all.

So off I went, God blessed us with clear roads, little traffic and me feeling pretty good, first day in awhile! We made it to Kelowna in good time, Chelsea's flight was delayed an hour and she was feeling fairly poorly as she had her wisdom teeth pulled a week ago and the altitude didn't help any...

Matt climbed into the backseat with Chelsea, who seems very sweet, and accepted my hug graciously... :) and I took on the taxi driver role. While he made sure she was comfy, warm (she is from California, San Fransisco area) and became her travel guide as we drove through our beautiful province. She was amazed at how beautiful and spacious everything was...she is used to sardine packed homes and traffic...traffic...traffic.

Well I hope that they have a great time together at Halcyon and I can't wait to spend more time getting to know Chelsea when they get back.

2012

2012-01-01T09:38:00.000-08:00

A new year, a new start, a new beginning...there are many ways to look at the turning of the calendar year. One of my favorite things is taking down the old calendars and putting up fresh new ones. Looking back through the months and seeing what was written on the old...appointments, births, opening of new beginnings.

I will admit 2011 has challenged our family in ways I never ever thought possible but here we are beginning a new year intact, still struggling but in a lot of ways we are stronger, brighter and for me the most important more in love with my Saviour, Jesus.

There are still a lot of left overs from the previous year, challenges that are in progress but I know that trusting Christ is the only answer to moving forward, he knows the path I must take and I shall take the one he lays in front of me.

So today as I look back on the previous year as I change over my calendars I will do it with a prayer of thankfulness in my heart because I know that even if I do not immediately see the positive of a despairing time He does and I trust Him with all of my heart and every fiber of my being.

I pray also for my few friends who read my blog I pray for a day of thankful looking back and eagerness for what lays ahead...the good, bad and the darn right ugly...because there is beauty as we pass through this life with the promise of an eternity waiting for us. We only have to trust our Lord to see it.

God bless you and Happy 2012

Not the belt

2011-12-28T11:36:00.000-08:00

Got your attention didn't I. Well it is about Matt's car, it has been in our garage for over a month now while Keith changes the timing belt, because the car won't turn over. Belts in...car still won't turn over.

But to add to the stress Matt's girlfriend arrives in 5 days and they have plans to do some sight seeing...and he still has no car. Keith has a few more ideas on what to do, but he works the next 2 days...sigh. I wish it wasn't my problem, but everyone comes to me to fix things...Matt to say dad isn't working enough on the car, Keith to say he doesn't want it to go to the garage as he can fix it and me sorting out how we all get from point A to B with only 1 car.

Oh well...pray for us as we hopefully get this all worked out...and soon!

Is it bad "karma"

2011-12-26T19:09:00.000-08:00

Have you ever bought a gift for someone...one they really seem to want because they talk about it all the time...its over your price range but hey why not, lets do something special. Only then to be not thanked for it and when you ask how they liked it, they don't seem enthusiastic or grateful...even talk about changing it for the next model instead? Even stated that I didn't get one other thing that they had asked for...

I don't want to be grumpy, but will admit I felt hurt as this is what happened and really was the only blemish to an otherwise great Christmas day.

Perhaps I just expect too much...I do know I am guilty of this many times. It has taken me the better part of 20 years to accept that my husband and I "do" Christmas differently. He likes to do what he always does...keep things quiet and be off on his own where I enjoy people and games and food and laughter.

I had one amazing response to what I thought was a little gift of kindness...my dear friend Billie called me in tears so touched by my homemade card and message inside that I could barely hear her on the phone....

Back to the other gift...any thoughts or words of wisdom? I just feel hurt and want to just not try anymore...why bother? Nothing I do ever seems good enough for this person. Maybe I need to be looking at myself...perhaps I didn't seem grateful or thankful for my gift. I did but it in an obvious place for all to see as they came over...

eww I don't think I really want to think too much about it all...

argh

2011-12-22T20:34:00.000-08:00

I am constantly amazed at how very illiterate I am at using my computer....it has just taken me an hour to change the look of my blog...then when all was finally figured out only some of the changes took place...I had tried to change the font it worked while I was in preview but then after I saved the fonts were not changed but for now I give up...I will be happy with the fact that at least the template is finally saved and for now that's done.

loosing it!

2011-12-21T10:09:00.000-08:00

Do you think that sometimes it pays to get a little frustrated and show it? I had some interesting advice from a friend lately. She said maybe you need to show it so they know you feel it!

Perhaps there is a time and place, if you are constantly calm and forgiving all the time it seems that some people take advantage of it...especially if they are teenagers!

So I let a little loose yesterday, the house was a disaster again! or maybe just still is a better term. So I got a little grouchy...funny it didn't take much, no real yelling or screaming just a vocal I have had enough of this! You guys need to start taking care of your things....well at least it worked for 1 daughter the other did her usual and retreated to her room. The conversation followed her there though and an ultimatum given! If she wants to live here and be a boarder that has no responsibilities that was fine but I would not be her free taxi, occasional spending money giver sugar momma! Nor could she live here rent free.........well she thought on that a bit then apologized and did the chore I asked her to do we shall see how it goes.

I even did a biggie told my boy he was responsible for his own stuff...that no I would not lend him the money he needed for his commitment fee for school after he told me he had enough but has spent it on his trip. Phew that was a biggie for me, if there is still a seat available when he gets home and starts working again then he can pay it, if not then he will work until the next semester starts and save it up...gotta quit rescuing them...all the time! He had a few choices to make and didn't make the right decisions expecting mom to bail him out. I think it has taught him a lesson, at least he is recognizing it is his own fault.

I certainly know I have been taught a lesson...being a push over and a rescuer is not in my best interest...yay me!

I wish....

2011-12-19T19:45:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it is hard to not get caught up in the "I wish" way of thinking. I think it is funny even to think that some of my wishes are for things I think I already do fairly well it is just that occasionally doubt sets in and I begin thinking I could do better....well we could all do better but I think we sometimes have to accept where we are at in the moment.

I was just enjoying reading a friends blog and wished I had more discipline to write here more often...sometimes I feel like I have a hard time finding positive things to share...trust me with my life it can be hard some days. But really it isn't hard....I know I have a long list of thankfuls...I could even just read a few of my favorite blogs and follow their lead.

I like this form of sharing...I love reading Anne's blog and getting to know her better in a few seconds a day. It is good to hear what others are thinking about and even struggling with it helps to make you feel close to someone even if you don't see them every day. I need to follow more blogs...wish I knew more people who blogged...oops there's the "wish" statement but it's an ok one I think.

Early morning

2011-11-23T07:28:00.001-08:00

ewwww... I was up at 600 am today, not by my choice. I was sleeping at the sleep lab at RIH, determining if I was stopping breathing in the night due to my medication. At the lab they can watch to see what is causing the stop in respiration. My Doctor was worried it was my meds. Luckily for me it isn't seems I kick, hold my breath then start breathing again. I was being monitored by a lady who I know from Emily's elementary school days, so she gave me the basic info. So now I can go buy my cpap machine, luckily the insurance company will pay for it.

So I've had my health work up...oh wait I'm still waiting for an ultrasound of my liver...something is up with that...nothing major I am sure just a blip...one of the enzymes was elevated and my lipids are high...likely weight related and as I am slowly loosing weight that should take care of itself....I might even change things up and try and loose weight a little faster...we'll see how the energy levels hold up.

So for now I'm off to shower the "goo" out of my hair from the EEG electrodes and start my day...not so bad being up this early...we shall see how the day goes!

Where does the time go...

2011-11-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

I have to say October flew by like a witch on a broom...I'm not sure why but it's gone. It was a kinda busy month for me..but then not really. I spent a lot of it not feeling well...nothing new there, but lots of tummy troubles. Nothing to put a finger on just lots of upset feeling and discomfort...good side of it I've lost 10 lbs since September and add to that another 5 I lost over the summer and I am down 15!! First significant weight loss in more than 5 years so I'll take it and other than wanting to feel better tummy wise I hope it will spur something on.

My disability finally became permanent and I am officially on long term disability! They will check in year to year but I won't have the constant threat of returning to work...if I improve they will then put me into a rehab program but it is much easier to stay on disability once you are considered long term...so Praise God for that great news!

Two ladies from church approached me asking if I could use help with Women's ministry I told them they were an answer to prayer and welcomed them to the team...Go Team!

Otherwise things are good...Keith is getting a few shifts a pay period from the city and with our savings we will make it through 2011 on a good financial road!

Still waiting for Meghan to get a job and to get in to a program called the open door, a program for kids with disabilities to help them find work. But have been giving her more chores at home and she has been mostly compliant.

So heres to November ...movember...NaBloPoMo...Rememberance Day...standard daylight savings change...US Thanksgiving and municipal election day...

So nervous

2011-10-05T11:51:00.000-07:00

Ok so it is officially launched and will be announced at church this Sunday. My Women's ministry blog has started. I have 2 posts and 2 followers. I hope I can do it without sounding too know it all ish and without being too simple and and and....oh my goodness I am a nervous wreck.

I did my second post yesterday and was almost going to ask Keith to read it to give me his opinion...but then I asked someone even better to be a part of it I asked God to bless and guide the blog. I am still nervous because these are only human fingers on the keyboard and a human mind striving to reach out to others and at times I feel like who am I to talk of God when I myself aren't doing a great job of being a christian. But I do know for sure that God will use this blog to teach me and grow me and man am I excited about it....I want to shout it from the rooftop...does announcing it on facebook count?

Ok my friends if you have any suggestions on posts let me know or if something has really touched you and you would like me to share it also let me know...

Woo hoo here we go!

Tears

2011-10-03T08:47:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been awhile since I have cried that hard. Sunday's service at church was so thought provoking and raw that I really just had such a gut wrenching reaction to the whole service. It was the second time we have heard the story of someone being prosecuted for their faith. I know it is happening all over regularly but to have it right there in front of me is....well I don't even know how to describe it.

I am trying to figure out what I feel, I don't think it is pity I think it is more a raw anger at the broken world we are in and the injustice of death for believing something different from others. Also an inspiring amount of love for the courage shown by a man I don't even know, who is doing what our Lord asks of us...to proclaim Him as Lord of all.

Then there is our Pastor who was himself raw with emotion over the topic discussed. That without the all encompassing love of our saviour we can't know love or show love. That He is love in the purest of forms and I felt that so powerfully on Sunday, renewing my own vows to God such a powerful day.

Watching two of my dearest friends sharing their ministry and love for the international community...I feel such amazing love for you two and a power from God working in what you are doing.

All I can say is I am so thankful for the freedom I have here and that I do not think I will ever be able to take it for granted again. My love for my God grew in a powerful way yesterday...Praise Him for the work he is doing today, tomorrow and always.

I am in love...

Till next time...
Karen

Challenges of disability

2011-09-27T10:56:00.000-07:00

And I'm not talking about mine for a change...

Miss Meghan is needing to start her life post high school. Now for most young people this is a difficult adjustment period...for some its as simple as getting a job...going back to school...and for some getting married (yikes). But for Meg it is filled with anxiety, stress, abdominal pain, and fear at a much more acute level.

We have been out applying for jobs...but I need to be within an arms throw for her to feel comfortable enough to go in...I have to remind her what to say from time to time as a panic look enters her eyes and she tells me "I forget what to say". I am trusting God in this process in a very profound way.

As most know we have struggled with this wonderful child since she turned 2. Her specialist tells me that if she was tested earlier they likely would have labelled her with mild autism...but there is nothing mild about autism nor anything I can do about the late date of her testing and diagnosis with ADD, anxiety disorder and poor social skills abilities in Grade 5. I think a big part of why I wasn't more demanding about testing is that I didn't want to hear the truth about what I was seeing.

We have managed our way thru school, barely at times, with the help of an I.E.P. (individualized education plan) some amazing teachers and helpful counsellors. Not to say we didn't hit speed bumps along the way and some very difficult personalities but we made it.

Meghan successfully graduated this year, riddled with abdominal pain, anxiety attacks, depression and fear but she, "we", made it. I don't mean to sound like I was some wonder mother...I just know it took dedication, perseverance, strength, patience and a whole lot of praying and tears on my part...and even some homework...yes I did some of her homework for her. Usually the mundane coloring or just writing the answers for her after she told me the answers and typing...a lot of typing.

I have had many people offer advice on this next stage of her life...a lot of just let her go, don't interfere she will do fine once she starts working...don't make a deal about the "disability", really she does well and will do fine on her own. I have dealt with guilt, fear and uncertainty as to how involved I need to be in this next stage. But the other day while praying to God I remembered that this child is special and loved in every way by Him and even still she has needed the help of me and others to get her to this point in her life why would I stop now?

So I finally asked her Doctor about it and he agreed that some help getting started especially with where she struggles daily would be in order. He recommended a place for me to call...called the Open Door for people with mental and physical disabilities... They help with resume writing, practicing job interviews, do testing for "good" job placement and even have connections with employers in town who recognize the importance of a good job environment for people like Meghan help them to be successful now and in the future. They even do workshops on job skills so you can add that to your resume...ie/ computer programs, cash register training, working with money etc.

I am excited that neither Meghan or I have to navigate this next stage on our own. We have needed help all along and it seems ridiculous to me to just stop cold turkey. I know God has a great plan for her and that she will indeed succeed at whatever she puts her mind to. I also know He will be with her as she faces the new struggles ahead...praise Him for his perseverance, strength, acceptance and love...unending love.

Until next time

Matthew 25:40

2011-09-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me'

I have been thinking lately that I am glad I am not the nurse to Clifford Robert Olsen who is a notorious serial killer from BC who killed 11 children and is now in hospital in the end stages of cancer. But I hear Christ saying the above words over and over in my head. I have in my career had to look after some very unsavory people; criminals, mean spirited people. One even had a guard and handcuffs on.

After I accepted Christ was when I met some of the worst of these and Matthew 25:40 became my mantra while dealing with these people. For I knew that no matter how good a person I was or nurse I was I would not be able to care for these people without God's presence with me everytime I walked into the room. It wasn't easy and it certainly didn't make them behave any better but with the spirit of Christ filling my being I was able to treat them respectfully and gently as if they were Christ himself in the bed.

I know I would have to spend some serious time in prayer before entering Mr. Olsen's room for I would ask God to not allow any thoughts or feelings to affect the way I cared for him. I will admit one thing I am extremely thankful for is that he will now face true judgement from the only One who can deliver the appropriate punishment the only One who will truly know the heart of this man.

So I ask you to join me in praying for the nurses and other staff who will come into contact with this man in the next few days/weeks as they, I am sure, are struggling. I do not know if he can understand or comprehend human compassion but he deserves it and our own spirits deserve it for if we can not give it to Mr. Olsen after the horrific things he has done how can we expect to recieve it for what we have done?

until next time

Another 6 weeks!

2011-09-23T09:33:00.000-07:00

I start teaching again today for another 6 weeks, every friday afternoon from 1-3. My dear friend Billie has just taken the training and I am no longer a newbie so I am the number 1 and she is my trainee...I am looking forward to another amazing session of sharing information and ideas with people who are struggling with the everyday aspects of life due to pain.

I myself haven't been doing too well these past few weeks, am definately in a flare, but I do believe that God has called me to this volunteer activity. I may not know what His plan is in all this pain and fatigue I have but I do know one thing, he wouldn't want me to keep any of it to myself...good or bad.

As Christians I think we spend too much time trying to look "good", like things are going well and that we "handle" everything with abundant grace and acceptance. I don't think this does anyone any good...I think people need to see our suffering...oh not in an over the top martyr type way but just an honest to goodness account of how life is going. People need to see that we are growing in our grace and learning how to accept life as it comes. I often wish I had it perfected...it would after all make things much easier to deal with but I am being molded by God himself and am excited to see changes in myself as I continue to learn.

So remember next time a friend asks how you are doing be honest...open and allow that person to "learn" along side of you, I think you will be doing the 2 of you a good thing.

Till next time...

patience

2011-09-17T12:22:00.000-07:00

By far not my favorite virtue especially when it is me who is supposed to have it. I do not like waiting for anything...but I do believe that is what God is asking from me at this moment. Our money has arrived from ICBC but I am feeling so confused as to what to buy with it that we have decided to wait until January...yikes 3 1/2 months of being down 1 vehicle.

I think it is doable...Matt has his car and he will be working from 330pm to 2am so I will have use of his car in the mornings if Keith is working and if needed I can drive Keith to work when I need a car, which is basically every day with my schedule this fall. But I also have friends, family and other means by which to get where I'm going and even...cancel some of my things occasionally won't hurt either.

Means we will save money on insurance and possibly some gas...but I am not sure on that one yet as the truck does go through it quickly...I am going to have to be a bit more organized...no problem there that is one of my strong points, personality wise! If Keith ends up going hunting and Matt is working I can always rent a little mini put put for a few days if needed. Although Matt wants to go hunting too so if they go on his 4 days off I'll always have Matt's car...

So I will sit back and be patient...yup I can do it.

On another note I have decided to go ahead with a ministry idea I had to have a women's blog...just waiting for the go ahead from the board. I am excited and hope women in my church will be as well...pray for me I want it to be meaningful and of course God driven....

So till next time

Back on track

2011-09-14T18:13:00.000-07:00

Well it's been a couple of crazy weeks but things are settling back to...well I'd never say normal but perhaps a more liveable pace.

I have had to replace my stove...after a sudden failure, of course during an important moment...baking a cake for my dear friend Anne to serve at their Focus club dinner. My hubby even scrambled trying to find parts so we wouldn't have to add this financial burden to our list, unfortunately to no avail. I am now an owner of my first self clean ceramic surface fancy stove...usually I go for the basics don't need anything fancy as I am not a fancy cook but I just looked for the best deal and took it...to much stress to shop around and there was just too much going on. So that is done.

Then the phone call from icbc...Matt did a good job...well not that I'm praising him for it but he has totalled my car...I know "things" aren't supposed to be important, but I really loved my car...it was my first all on my own purchase...I picked it, did the deal, wrote the check and drove it home to show my hubby...all by myself! It fit me perfectly and worked well for my "pain" getting in and out of the car.

I've kept it all together and tried to be calm thru the process of waiting to see if they would fix it or not but will admit I did have a break down when I learned that I would not be driving it again...sigh...then became overwhelmed with the whole idea of what to get next and how much I wanted to spend...so I decided to just let it go and let God's peace be mine and not worry about it....I know He can take the "worst" moments in all things and make something good of it.

We ended up getting quite a bit more money than we were expecting for my car, thanks to the new way they determine "value" of a vehicle...they even look at what work you've done recently and give you a percentage of that back...yay as I just spent 1600.00 on a new power steering pump. With some quiet God time and a more settled mind we have a plan...and we will start shopping this weekend.

The hope is to not use all the money for a new to us vehicle, to get a smaller more fuel efficient vehicle and see how I do then use the left over money to finally install our laminate flooring we have stored in our basement....that will solve another ongoing issue and will be nice to finally have it done.

Matt has gotten a job and has applied to have some money my dad has saved up for him taken out to deal with his "debt" issues due to the accident so that will be taken care of in one move!

So now it is to wait for Meggy to get a job, and I know God is in control of that so we will just keep looking and praying for the right job for her.

Till next time

How do you feel today?

2011-09-08T16:20:00.000-07:00

I had to fill out yet another long medical questionnaire today, here are some examples of the questions asked

...on a scale of 1-10...
how much pain
how much fatigue
how is your mood
how well are you functioning cognitively
how is your stamina

what type of pain...where...how often
how long can you walk for
how long can you stand
how long can you drive
how long does it take to do daily living activities
how long does it take to shop

can you do house hold chores...which ones can you do or can not do
how long does it take you
where do you get pain during these activities
how long does the pain last
is it relieved by rest

How often do you exercise
How many hours a day do you sleep
what is your quality of sleep
do you wake up rested

Do you take pain killers...how often...rate the effectiveness

All this needs to sum up the time between April and now effectively...efficiently...accurately.
Can you answer all these questions summing up your last 6 months...sigh and to top it off I am having a bad "fibro fog" day...I feel ?!?stoned?!? slurred speech, difficulty keeping stream of thought going, forgetting the point in the middle of a sentence.

Sigh...
Till next time

Do we know how good we have it?

2011-09-07T08:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a sad day...a young man, whom I didn't know, passed away...I did know his father we dated years ago. From what I've seen on his facebook he was well loved, a funny guy with a heart of gold. He was a christian and that gives me a sense of relief for him. He was only 17 and died from complications from chemotherapy. He had of all things prostate cancer...rare at that age.

It is a phenomenon that we rarely think about, that this world is a hard and difficult place to be. There is always some tragedy or unimaginable disaster occuring. What we do with it is what makes us christians. Yesterday I prayed for his family then thanked God for my own crazy life...even all the stressful stuff.

It is so easy to get wrapped up in what is happening to us we forget to be thankful for what we have...I know I do it. I don't know if it is humanly possible to not get wrapped up in our own lives and to not always notice what is going on around us. I know I wish I was better at it...I know I certainly wish other people were better at it! But that is just a simple reminder to me that I have to role model something in order to teach it to others.

Imagine if we really stopped and thought about others and what they were going through...all around us are people who are suffering...it is so hard to deal with people who make big issues out of small ones or never seem to move onward always bemoaning their position in life. But then even they deserve a sympathetic Christian ear...to an extent. Or not, would Jesus listen each time they complained about something, big or small, things that seem so irrelevant...or would he gently give them a parable of what life could be like if they moved on or accepted something in their life.

I don't know how to accept the death of a child...thats extreme but in the end it is God's plan...just as it is to be chronically ill or unemployed...I think the difference is He still expects us to get up and get moving on....not just sit back and moan about it over and over. Find strength in what He offers us and keep going forward. I do not for one second believe that 1 persons stress is less than anothers each person deserves a caring listener, the question is more are we willing to let the "stuck" ones know they are stuck and encourage them to move forward.

I know the only answer is to turn to God...for I do not have any answers but He does...

Till next time

Time flies

2011-09-06T09:54:00.000-07:00

You know when you are up to your elbows in diapers and teething rings you never believe people when they say..."enjoy it, they grow up so fast" but here we are! I just dropped Emily off to school, grade 9 this year and I know now after 2 other children breezing through high school in what felt like a whirlwind of holding my breath and holding my tears in that the next 4 years will be gone in a wink.

We never thought too much about the 4 year gap between Meghan and Emily...it never seemed that apparent. I enjoyed having 1 child at home while 2 were off to school, she was my companion we went everywhere together and she definately kept me company. She was a chatterbox and not much has changed there. Now I am again glad as my 2 young adults are off looking for jobs and "finding themselves" I still have my lil'one.

Oh there are days where I think I wish I was all done with the teenage drama...I won't lie there but it is just nice knowing I have 4 more years of "taking care" of her. Not that the other two don't need taking care of but it is a release program for them more now. There are challenges to keeping Emily "young" with her 2 older siblings off doing more adult things she feels smothered and babied...tough cookies for her I'm not done yet...I still want the sound of childrens laughter and crazy stories in my house.

I am glad I have a longer transition time to being an empty nester, does that even ever happen anymore, but you know what I mean. As I adjust to two young adults in my life I'm glad I still have my girl and her homework and her everyday routine just to keep me honest.

So remember those who have lil'ones still at home...cherish it as they DO grow up far to quickly...

Till next time

power of prayer

2011-09-05T10:07:00.000-07:00

I have had some very profound times where I've seen God moving through my prayers...even felt His hand guiding me on my back as I dealt with volatile personalities...but there is one area that I feel blind.

Maybe it is because I'm not consistent enough or perhaps it is just God's will...maybe I need to let more prayer warriors know of the need. I'm not sure and truthfully while I am frustrated I am also learning how to be patient...but sometimes the patience just seems like I'm pushing my worries deep down and turning them into a queasy stomach.

There are many things to pray about in a day and I am a bit of what I'd call a prayer grazer...???
I just kind of go about my day putting out little prayers. I do stop and do some serious prayer usually daily sometimes more sometimes less.

My home is at times a very volatile place. As stresses mount there is one person in particular who is like a capped volcano...and lets just say when the amount of stress hits a boiling point he is able to blow that little cap clear to the stars. That is just what has happened...last night...now today it is like hot molten lava all over the place and we are jumping from rock to rock to avoid it.

I've tried many tactics over the years...ignoring it, asking to talk about it, being super overbearingly nice, tip toeing around till the cap slowly reforms.

The problem is that usually the stresses are mainly easily dealt with...or at least accepted. But that isn't the case right now. I have a man who has lost his career, has a son sleeping on his couch without a job and without a sense of real urgency to find one, a daughter who lets just say stress should be her first name. She needs a job and a sense of self to care for herself. A young teenager who seems to be a raging bipolar maniac...up then down then over here then there...luckily she will be out of the house for 7.5 hours a day soon.

I guess what I'm looking for here is just a place to vent, to put this all down so it doesn't eat me up as I learn to be patient with God's timing. After church this Sunday I can assure you I am looking to heaven very anxiously but am very aware that my time here is important too.

I do know that I am already in your minds for prayer...so just keep me there I don't seem to be moving on anywhere quickly...So for now I will vent here, and in prayer and wait on my Lord!

Till next time...

Argh

2011-09-03T11:38:00.000-07:00

You know I was worried I wouldn't have anything to blog about...but in this house I must have had a moment of insanity thinking that...it never ends...ever. I have been keeping things pretty even, or at least I thought I was...but slowly the internal stress meter starts you know upset tummy, headaches, increase in general pain and fatigue levels and then there is the tell tale crankiness that pops up.

Some days the only way I stay sane is to not think about stuff...just keep it light....but I'm running out of light things to think about.

This morning I'm trying to catch up...laundry...dishes...groceries...the normal things in life. But then pops in oh yes the mold in Matt's room gotta go clean that...as he is currently sleeping in the family room and by no means is he neat about it...have to go clean out the rental we used to go to Calgary to pick up said son as he has nearly totalled my car...still waiting on the results of that...yay long weekend. In Calgary, which in my opinion is a good idea in the long run, you need a sticker from the RCMP when your damage is greater than 2000.00 in case you didn't report the accident before they will go forward...so now I wait for that to be dropped off at the collision center...saw my car on Friday. All in all the damage doesn't look too bad...but the radiator and A/C are toast...all the front grill work, bumper, hood are needing replacing then there's the dangling gas lines. First tow truck driver had to go get his eye flushed cause he got an eye full of gasoline yikes. Thankfully everyone you deal with is very nice and patient especially with it being an out of province thing.

My hubby is back to work for 2 days in "cells", then 1 off then 3 bylaw and 2 night shifts in cells...he is pooped...then it will be back to Calgary sometime in the next week and a half to pick up my car, if it isn't totalled, and pick up the rest of Matthews belongings.

Then I have to get the youngest settled into grade 9, the middle one out looking for a job, the oldest on a "Payment" plan.....the list goes on...not to mention my disability in which I am off to the Doctor to fill out the 30th form in three years...well maybe not 30 but it feels like it! There's a cost to that too!

Somewhere in there we had an anniversary...22 years of "chaos" ha ha ha....now I don't really mean that but sheesh already...

Anyhoo I'm out a' here enough griping for one post....

Till next time

I'm off again...

2011-08-22T12:48:00.000-07:00

Looks like I might be by myself though my girls are trying to ditch me. It is supposed to be just the 3 of us but they are being difficult. Sigh...but really I might not even mind going by myself. Yes I'd get lonely but then there is something to be said for true peace and quiet. Hopefully I will be able to encourage them to come...

I'll fill you in when I get back after September 1.

Until next time...

Has it really been this long

2011-08-20T11:18:00.000-07:00

I can't say I've been too busy...really but then lots of things have been going on. This morning I was thinking of how much I've been missing some of my friends over the summer and thought I'd go and check out Anne's blog. She is always so faithful to writing so it is one way I can catch up on her summer.

I can't load a whole 5 months in one here but I'll give a quick update and then try and write at least weekly if not more often to get caught up.

Summer, other than the weather, has been amazing since the middle of July. We purchased a new travel trailer when Keith got layed off...there's a crazy decision but one that has been extremely well worth it. I will post some pics for sure.

I think since we got the trailer we have been away more than home. July 17-22 was our first visit to Harold Provincial Park...the weather was still crappy then and the mosquitos tried to carry Emily away a few times but we were cozy and happy in our new digs and Harold was definately a favorite place to go. Home then for a few days then out to Lac le Jeune from the 26-29. These first two trips were filled with adventure as Meghan brought friends with her so we were able to get to know some of her "crew". Crazy doesn't even begin to describe these kids and I laughed hard, it felt good.

In between the camping I got to meet up with an old client from the PCC and meet her little man, 3 months old...she has been clean for 6 months and is loving her new life in Kelowna...I am so happy for her. Such a great thing God is doing in her life.

After Lac le Jeune we were off to Green Lake from Aug 4-8 just Keith, Emily and I...it is I must say a stunning lake clear of weeds and the "sunset" provincial park is the one to stay at...beautiful sunsets. Finally good weather too...although the lake was still cool it is shallow enough to warm quickly. An if you stay out of the woods the mosquitos were tolerable...don't ask what happened when we tried a walk in the woods.

Then it was off to Shuswap provincial park for the weekend with Dawn, Hunter, Louise, Meghan and Emily...I love the "girls" weekend...well Hunter isn't a girl but no hubby....now don't get me wrong I love camping with my man but girls only is a lot of fun too... We left on the friday Aug 12 and Keith came back after working the weekend and spent Sunday night we left on the monday.

Life has been fairly busy this summer for sure we celebrated Meghans Grad at the end of June and a successful end to grade 8 for Emily...3 honor rolls out of 4! Matt moved to Calgary and we visited a few times...Keith recieved two on call jobs with the city. He is on call for the RCMP jail and in the midst of training for a bylaw position...parking control. I have been struggling with fatigue, nothing new really and dealing with a rehab team who thinks I have reached a plateau and am no longer advancing and am not work ready and an insurance company who wants me to keep rehab going so I can return to work. Which basically means more forms to fill out and more waiting.

I got a laptop for my birthday to help me keep in touch on the "not so good" days where sitting at the desk is difficult so now I have no excuse to not keep people in the loop. So stay tuned I'll share more about Meghans grad, Matt's adventures and a few other juicy tid bits.

Until next time...

A real sit down meal

2011-03-07T22:58:00.000-08:00

I knew I should have taken a picture...but then thought nah, thats silly. Unfortunately one thing that has gone by the wayside in our home is sit at the table meals...you see it hurts my butt and back to sit in our dining room chairs and after just being up cooking, which is no fun anymore either I just don't want to sit in chairs that hurt me...

So depending on what I cook, certain meals just call for a dining room experience, we often congregate on the couches together where I can put my feet up. But tonight I cooked a pot roast, with new potatoes and gravy...just needed to be a sit down meal...and I braved the sore "butt and back"...I do miss sitting at the table there just really is something to be said for all being together around a table.

Now the great debate starts...you see my birthday is coming and this year it falls smack on Mothers day so its a two for.....so this year I was going to splurge on a nice lazy boy for myself...that way I'll have comfy seating in both the living room and family room for myself. But after dinner tonight I thought kinda wondered if I should purchase new dining room furniture instead with comfortable chairs that will be easier for me to sit on...hmmmmmm...I guess you will all have to wait and see what I decide...2 months to ponder.

Cleaning house...

2011-02-25T08:04:00.000-08:00

This week has been a time of internal cleaning...of the mind! It is so easy to sit and allow all the negative things that are bombarding us right now take control and rule us. It makes it hard to put anything else into one's mind. So the last week I have been working extra hard to turn those worries into praises for God. If the bible says to be thankful for our trials then that is what I am going to do...I do not like having these stresses rule me. I like God ruling me and that is where I am going.

It is working, of course, He was right there waiting for me. My mind feels less burdened as long as I turn everything over to Him. It doesn't mean I have less pain or more energy just that I can enjoy my "quiet" time with a much more positive outlook.

This week saw a meeting between my insurance co. and my rehab co. they are expecting to give me a decision on whether I can return to my job that is waiting for me on 6 North...well they told me I won't be... so I am just waiting for the official word to call and resign my job there. The next step will be to see if I can do "any" job...I have no idea what this will look like in the next few months, but they will let me know next week.

Keith is on reading break and working hard on a course outline of what he could teach at TRU, they will then review it and see if it "works" within their vision.

Meghan has been sick since last Wednesday, she has gastritis...inflammation of the stomach lining and upper intestine. She has missed more than 1 week of school and her English course is in serious jeopardy, so there is a meeting planned for Monday and alternatives are being looked at...Her graduating is in question... sigh. Her anxiety levels are through the roof and she is "shutting down" rather than trying to keep up...sigh. We saw her specialist last week and talked about medication type help so we have a few options there as well...Pray hard for this girl!

Emily is attempting a medication change...the side effects were becoming too much but the alternate is she is much more volatile and reactive...so our poor stairs have been taking a pounding... we are weighing these options carefully.

My condition continues to be difficult with pain and fatigue but like I said earlier I am working hard with Jesus as my pilot to deal with these things.

We have had some positive financial things going on...thanks income tax! We have done some juggling and re-vamped our way of doing things so that stress is decreasing...as long as I can keep my husbands dreaming on track.

So thanks friends for praying and being there to listen. Some times Keith and I look at each other and just laugh, we praise the fact that we are both still here and haven't run screaming like lunatics. I am glad that these times in our lives bring me closer to God.

Prayer list

2011-02-14T10:59:00.000-08:00

I am wanting to try and stay as positive as I can here, I don't like being too negative and it is so easy to get there. But I have some very specific prayer requests over the next little while!

1. My insurance company is pushing me to go back to work April 8. To prepare for this they are asking me to increase my volunteer time quite quickly and report back the effects. The only sure fire way to show them I am not ready is to have a Functional Capacity Evaluation done by an Occupational therapist, they are not willing to pay for this and it costs around $2000.00. So please pray for clear guidance in this manner, a team who is willing to hear the truth about my condition and if need be finances to pay for the FCE also that I don't tail spin in to a bad flare.

2. Keith's job has come into question as I have told many of you his department is closing, we thought he was secure because he has Tenure. We just found out that the only secure thing is that we may have to take a buy out, 22 months pay, and he will loose his job at TRU. He is working hard trying to find options but the University has to agree to him finishing his degree before anyone else will hire him...He has 1 1/2 - 2 semesters left to finish. We desperately need the benefits and the assurance of a full time job, not contract work which is another option.
So please pray for clarity in our decisions and that we trust God in whatever direction he is leading us.

3. We are facing faith crisis with both Matthew and Meghan right now. Some know the story, but not many. So trust me when I say that Satan is battling for control over their lives right now with a vengeance. So please pray for guidance for us and understanding and the right words to use with both of them.

4. We are struggling financially right now with a number of unexpected expenses that have shown up since December, we will get through but it is hard having this worry on top of everything else.

5. My sciatic nerve has been flaring up and it causes me a lot of discomfort and I am having a hard time getting a good night sleep, which is imperative with fibromyalgia. So pray for recuperative sleep and a decrease in the pain.

6. My fibromyalgia is very up and down at the moment so I just need clarity in when to push myself and when to say no, especially when I might be saying no to my insurance company. They aren't concerned I will see a decline in my condition that is not their main priority, getting me back to work is...so as you see it can be a very stressful position to be in.

As a couple Keith and I are doing ok, working hard on working together through this challenging time so please be in prayer for us as we navigate through this stormy time.

God bless you and know I pray for you all daily so let me know if there is anything specific I can give to God for you through prayer.

love Karen

New chapters

2011-02-12T08:39:00.000-08:00

It is truly amazing how time flies by...yesterday I was a mother of 3 little children going to parks, play dates and fiddling with 3 car seats... Now I am preparing for my second child's graduation.

This was something we were not sure we would ever see. There were times when I didn't know how we would get Meghan through school. Oh smart she is but not very good on the follow through. There were so many parent teacher conferences, emergency meetings and concessions made. Teachers who were great to deal with and ones who were, well, not so great. Lots of tears, tempers and breakdowns...successes, surprises and triumphs.

Here we are, February 2011...Grad dress purchased, fundraising underway, looking at hair do ideas and just simply looking at a young woman who has come a long way through many obstacles and still has many yet to conquer. Even as I say this we still have to pass English 12 this term...shouldn't be too much of an issue...but I have already recieved a call from her teacher about work not handed in and we are only 2 weeks into the semester! But that is how it goes with my Miss "Molly" Meghan, a term used by one of her elementary teachers to help get her out of "shut down" mode.

But I am sure now we will make it. Her dress is beautiful, didn't cost me the farm! :) She felt beautiful in it and looked beautiful in it. It is a beautiful teal color and she will be a princess for a day, which says a lot for my tom boy girl.
The dates are set for commencement, grand march, dry grad etc...

The fears for her future are there, concern for how she will adjust to a "new" life, she never has done well with change... but I know if we can get through school we can get through anything and I think we are ready for a new challenge, a new chapter and the future!

Owls.....

2011-01-03T19:09:00.000-08:00

Well it is 2011... so fresh new blog page. So while I am languishing on the couch with a very painful back thinking to myself of all the things I could be doing. I have snagged my hubby's lap top. I was thinking of getting myself a laptop for Christmas this year, just for these types of situations; I tend to have a few episodes a year where I am bedridden/couch ridden. But I thought naw I don't really need to spend that kind of money I am glad my hubby is being patient and letting me use his laptop. So as I fumble my way with the unfamiliar key board and that stupid pad that makes the cursor move all over the place I decided to quit wallowing in my "I hate being bed ridden" and do something fun I chose to find new skin for my blog.

So when you don't feel quilty spending a great deal of time "surfing" free blog pages you can find some pretty neat ones. But this one caught my eye. I love owls, something has been going on lately that makes me see these stately animals and enjoy their amazing beauty.

I will, once able to sit in my office chair, post a few pictures of some of the "owl" gifts I got for Christmas. So it only seemed fitting to have an owl template for my blog.

Of memories made

2010-12-28T09:58:00.000-08:00

It is an interesting time as your children grow up. Christmas becomes such a different experience. Well some what... I could do without the early wake up on Christmas day, but that doesn't seem to be changing much.

Our Christmas this year was full of little surprises and a few hard decisions. Christmas eve is now entrenched in a tradition that involves church services then a small gathering at my house for a fun round of gift exchange and snacks. Christmas eve pajamas and quiet time spent together. My Dad, Elma, Dawn and Hunter come over after the service...they usually leave by 9-930. We enjoyed a quiet Christmas day... although there really wasn't much choice in the matter, I woke feeling none to well...too much activity and a wake up not by my body's decision but by 2 excited girls doesn't bode well for me. So after a lovely gift opening full of yay's and neat's... a quick easy breakfast it was back to bed for me.

After a long snooze Matt and I played on our new game on the WII system...donkey kong, oh yeah! It was then time to go down to the inlaws... for what I think was the last time. It is too crowded in their new home, the kids are terribly bored and the folks are getting too tired to do up such a big meal... I guess that means it will fall to our place. Big house and I know I will get help from my sister and Elma they are always helpful on Christmas dinners. Besides Keith and I have it into a pretty good routine now it is like clockwork in the kitchen.

Boxing day was for fun and food... a quick tidy up as Dad, Elma, Dawn and Hunter were coming for the afternoon for games and dinner. We had a good time, not too many temper flares (praise God) and while my whole family hid away elsewhere in the house Dawn, Dad, Elma and I enjoyed playing some games...I guess that is just that part of the family that likes to do that.

It comes down to what you "want" Christmas to be and the reality of "what" Christmas is. I am slowly getting used to that, it has been hard blending two families and their different ideals for the holidays. Whatever will I do when my kids are all being pulled in different directions... oh I will leave that for when it happens no use thinking on it now.

Anyhoo that is our Christmas in a nutshell....hope yours was good and full of little surprises and blessings!

His promises fill me with hope

2010-12-03T08:19:00.000-08:00

God has been meeting me where I need Him very distinctly these past few weeks. While grief and turmoil make it's bed here in my home I am very aware of God working and moving us to a place of peace.

Last Sunday our Pastor spoke of how in order to find contentment in our lives we must first have a deep relationship with our Lord, that unless our needs are met there first by the only One who can meet all of those needs we will forever be lacking if we are looking to our spouses to fill those voids.

I felt as if God himself was speaking to me that morning. I recognized that I have work to do in this area and so my journey continues. Most importantly I felt I was shown some light in my relationship with Keith. So I sat him down and told him about Sundays lesson (he missed due to the flu).

It isn't always easy to get something across to another when you have had the
"a ha" moment, but I tried. I asked Keith if he felt this might be an area of his life and relationship with God that needed some work... He agreed, not sure if he agreed or just said ok but he came with me to meet with our Pastor.

It was at the beginning of this meeting that it came clear to me that he didn't get what I was trying to say... but that is ok because it took awhile for poor Pastor Dan to figure out what I was saying too...

At first we talked about the stresses in our life right now... ok that was good, but not the reason I was there...

Then it came and I finally was able to articulate what I was looking for... a deeper spiritual relationship with my husband one that was not based on Keith but on God first for both of us. Then for us to come together content in our relationship with God to find God's contentment in our relationship.

Yahoo an a-ha moment for us all. So Dan has asked Keith to commit to some one on one time with him, for them to explore this and Keith and I have committed to a weekly date where we discuss God, what he is doing in our lives...what he has to offer to us both and how we are living with God and allow that time to bring us closer on a spiritual level where our focus is God.

So with that said I know satan is revving up his own soldiers for a battle against this but I know my God is stronger and that the people who read this and support me are strong prayer warriors as well.

So my friends as I put on my armor of God I ask you to keep us in your prayers as we move and learn in this area.

God is good and so free are His blessings.

A long and winding road

2010-11-22T09:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a full day. It began just after 4 am when our phone rang...I do not like it when the phone rings at that time of day. We missed the call as our phone in our room isn't working...so I tried to go back to sleep, HA! That was not happening as a few minutes after the phone call Matt came in from work (8 pm- 4am shift). So I got up to get a drink and chat with him for awhile. By 5 I was ready to try and sleep some more. Luckily I did fall asleep until 7 when the phone rang again. It was the RCMP auxilliary leader, they were doing a call out for a man barricaded in his home, so off Keith went. But no more sleep for me, too many disruptions for my poor sleeping abilities.

So up I got to get ready for church. Church was fine, about divorce and God's plan for marriage.... After I collected emails for the Pregnancy care center.

The fun was after...Megs and I had a date, she needed her hair cut, Grad pictures this week, and we needed some 1 on 1 time to talk. We spent a nice lunch time together and were able to talk a bit about the "thing" that is going on in her life right now...I am barely able to talk to her about it, but I need to soldier on and get more info and more "teaching" moments fit into our time together.

Then it was off to the mall for a haircut...yikes we have to wait an hour before she can get in...by now it is 3 and I am completely exhausted and pain levels are rising exponentially so I pop a few pills and we go window shopping. Our final stop is the yarn shop where I pick up a new ball of wool, some needles (you can never have too many of those) and we head down to the salon for her haircut.

Funnily enough Chatters salon has an exchange program and has some hairdressers from Korea working there...now language is an issue, they barely speak english...yikes how do you let them know how you want your hair cut???

So as I started on a pair of socks...praying quietly over a multitude of things, I did add in a good haircut for Megs with the challenges of language being there. Prayed for a young adult at our church who is facing serious liver disease, for Meghan and her "thing", for me about dealing with her "thing", about my marriage and the struggles there, for the new pregnant mothers I've met while volunteering, especially the one scheduled for an abortion today.

It really did feel like a long day one in which a winding road best describes the ups and downs of it. But to focus on the negatives never gets me anywhere so I am thankful for Meghans beautiful haircut, new wool for some new socks, some good prayer time and especially a great afternoon with my precious daughter.

Life in and of itself only leads us to thankfulness when we truly appreciate the trials we go through. No I do not appreciate going through them necessarily but I do understand their purpose and can appreciate the end results.

God is my savior, He is my lord, He rules my life and has from the moment in time He created me. It is in Him I will place my trust and each and every tear I cry. It is His soft whisper that I will search for in the storm because I know it is there calling to me, that He never abandons me. He hears each and every prayer or cry from my heart and His arms are always there to surround me in His love and acceptance. I may never understand the why of things, but really I guess I do not need to as long as I trust His judgement, His sovereignty, His love and His promises.

I love Him with all of my heart, soul and mind. I Praise Him for all he gives and takes away and though in my confusion and pain I lash out at times I know He is there behind me always waiting with the truth for me when I turn back to Him and fall into His waiting arms hurt, confused and weak...

Thank you Lord...thank you!

Take that!

2010-11-15T09:13:00.000-08:00

Well things are just plain stinky at my house right now, and not the smell kind. Things are rough relationship wise. I thought that dealing with Meghans thing was bad enough but nope...lets pile that up some more! Sigh...somedays I think God feels I can handle a lot more than I feel like I can.

So as the title of my blog suggests...I've decided to spend some time doing something I like and haven't done a whole lot of in the past few years. I'm painting...oh nothing fancy really. I just enjoy tole painting...so I am doing snowmen, little kids on sleds, trees, gingerbread men and thinking that rather than making my cards pretty with other things I will use my paintings on the front...there it helps to do something that you know you can do, doesn't cost any money...if my paint supplies hold up...and it has been so long that some of the paints are ruined but I am comfortable mixing paint up so I should be able to manage with what I have.

I am hoping that by taking my mind off of the other things for awhile it will help me to build up some perspective and also allow my prayers to be more thankful than just pleading. I'll try to post some pics once I have a few finished products...and hopefully I will be able to share some of the other stuff as they resolve themselves over time.

I hate to end on a sour note but I must throw in that my pain is increasing...not too bad, but if you could pray for it to stay at a lower level I'd appreciate it, the stress is certainly not helping.

As we enter into the "busy" Christmas season I hope you can all find time to do something you enjoy that you haven't done in awhile!

Blessings

An everlasting fall

2010-11-09T09:02:00.000-08:00

That is a title that leaves things rather open ended don't you think. I find myself thinking of a lot of things lately. Deep unanswered things. Trying to find the right way and move away from the wrong way. It isn't as easy as it sounds in this world. Ever feel like you should journal but feel like the first entry would likely be a small novel. Maybe a journal for each idea...or thought. I don't think I have enough storage space.

There is only one thing I am sure of right now and that is that God is involved in every aspect of my thoughts and feelings.

My last blog mentioned the difficult trial we are going through right now with Meghan, there has been some good conversation, some good tears, frustration, unanswered questions and even some anger...probably more than I want to truly admit to. But we are moving forward and God is definitely involved in His usual way I can't say that things are moving the way I want them to but God is working and that is all I can ask for at this time.

I am worried as this kind of stress can lead to a flare of my symptoms and I have been feeling rather well lately. Today I am fuzzy brained, tired, stiff and have some aching in my hands and legs. It is a fearful place and I am struggling to stay positive and thankful for the moment. But I will continue to strive for the positive.

It is easier with each day I look outside and see the sunshine bearing down on me. God is good with His blessings...I know that this too won't last but am taking each ray of sunshine to heart.

I was particularly disturbed by the news last night where business is ruling our Governor General into announcing that drinking alcohol is ok and even 2 drinks are fine with dinner if you are planning to drive...all because the pubs and bars are facing a decline in alcohol sales?!? Isn't that the point. I have never been so disgusted nor defeated by that turn of events...and then in the same newscast the story of the little 2 year old mowed down and killed by a drunk driver!? What is that!

Anyhow those are a few of the things on my mind right now so I thought I'd share them with you!

Take care much love

Short and definately not sweet

2010-11-01T08:35:00.000-07:00

I come asking for prayer...fervent prayer. There is an unholy battle happening at my home right now. Satan has started an attack so vicious...such as I have never faced and I have faced many. I can not share details right now my grief is overpowering me. It is not health related...nor has anyone died. It is a battle within the soul of one of my children, Meghan to be exact. So for now I am just asking that you pray hard for her and for Keith and I as we wrestle with what to do, what to say, what is right, what is wrong and what is godly to do in this situation.

Oh Lord we are crying out to you, fill us with your wisdom and strength.

Just plain tired

2010-10-25T10:13:00.000-07:00

It has been a truly blessed time for me and my fibromyalgia the past few months. Praise God for a sunny warm fall. From about the end of July until just recently my symptoms have been actually quite manageable. The constant roar of pain has quieted to a dull quiet awareness. The pain associated with activity continues to flare it's ugly head but thankfully lasts only a short while. My headaches that I was dealing with almost daily have settled into a 1-2 times a week thing...and as far as fatigue goes...well I can accomplish some things on most days occasionally I can even do more than 1 things! But still some shortness of breath and sudden episodes of severe muscle fatigue still do occur.

I have been approved through my insurance company to continue on with rehab until January when we shall re-assess my readiness to return to work....I would like to be more positive on this note but fear I am still a long ways away from that. I have been asked to start volunteering 2 hours per week and see how that goes. So I am happy to finally be able to use my training at the pregnancy care center in town. Although my Occupational therapist says I need to do more "active" volunteering I will be happy with this for now...sometimes just getting ready and driving somewhere tires me out. They want me to quickly advance my volunteer hours and the amount of "activity" involved in the volunteer process...so we shall see what happens...all with keeping up with the other stuff that I am finally able to do after years of being so ill.

So wish me luck...but really pray hard for me over the next 3 months. God is directing my path of that I am sure I am just hopeful that the insurance company will be on the same page...haha that's funny!

So for now I am off.....got stuff to do!

Forgiveness...

2010-10-20T09:35:00.000-07:00

I've come here today for some insight. I have been invited to a retirement party for one of the girls I used to work with on 5 south. Now for those of you who know the history here bear with me as I shed some light.

I worked on 5 south for just short of 20 years. I began my career there and I loved working with children. But as my fibromyalgia/depression worsened over the last 5 years of so of my working there the dynamics of what used to be a group of co-workers who I thought were a second family began to disintigrate. My experience there in the last year and a half or so of working there became a literal battlefield. I didn't know who to trust, as people were talking behind my back and complaining to our supervisor about my work. People would ask how I was feeling then complain that all I ever did was talk about my illness and struggles. No matter how hard I worked someone always thought it wasn't good enough and reported it. I was called into my supervisors office many many times to be told I wasn't "pulling my weight"...but no dates, situations or people were mentioned so I had no way to identify what was happening at those times. I repeatedly asked for an intervention where I could meet with the people who were dissatisfied, to no avail. Every break I took people were noting the times of my leaving and arriving back...if I stayed late due to work volume I was seen as taking advantage of overtime because I didn't work well enough during the day to deserve to stay late.

If ever there was a time in my life where I felt like I was living in hell it was then. Everything was falling apart even my marriage and relationships outside of work were suffering.

So I ended up leaving 5 south. I left quietly, no goodbye's, no thanks, no we will miss you's, no moving on party as was done for all staff previously and after me.

I was moved into an accomodated position as I could no longer do night shifts...this didn't help at all as no one likes a nurse who gets to have the night shifts off...no matter what the reason. So I went through the upheaval of moving through 3 different floors until finally I was given a position on 6 north.

Now back to the title of this blog...I have prayed and cried and healed and hurt over this time of my life...I have basically no contact with the people I used to work with. 1 person who I was especially close to we communicate from time to time but really barely see each other any more. I have spent many hours with God working through this and have spoken the words of forgiveness to Him regarding all the people who hurt me but this is really taking a long time to truly heal. I know that forgiveness doesn't come overnight as it does take time for our minds and hearts to truly heal and I do pray for that a lot and repeat my forgiveness of the others. It was one time in my life where I was beat down to nothing I had no confidence left in myself as a person or a nurse. I no longer knew how I was behaving as when I thought I was doing well others kept saying I wasn't; so my whole sense of self was defeated. Now from that terrible part I am recovering and did have a good experience working on my new floor for the year I was there...

But every time I am faced with coming face to face with some of the people who I now know were part of this ordeal...I go right back to the depths of that despair. I cry out in the pain from that time, I cry out to God to heal me and perhaps slowly he is doing that but I wonder...if I need to face the people of my past and quit hiding from them. That perhaps if I do go to this retirement party and some of those people are there....I can....forgive them easier when I see they are no bigger than who they are and see that they can not hurt me any longer. I will no longer feel the urge then to turn and walk in an opposite direction if I ever see them out and about...

So the party is this friday...so pray for me, let me know what you are thinking...As Christ is my saviour and died for my sins I too shall forgive others...be merciful and kind...

New starts...

2010-09-08T08:04:00.000-07:00

Well this fall definitely goes down as one full of firsts. It all started yesterday...literally! As I watched my two girls walk up the steps to the high school...Meghan for her final year in high school and Emily for her first year of high school! Such an odd thing to watch my 2 girls walking in together. There were many days where I never thought I would survive to see the day my "challenging, lovable, wonderful, difficult daughter would enter her final year...oh we aren't done yet. There are still lots of challenges ahead but it does mark a milestone and one that I am so relieved to be at. I am "proud" of our accomplishments, I owe it all to Christ really He has been the rock we have stood on thru Meghans teen years. Then there is my Emily, my lil' one as I call her...strolling confidently up to the school. Searching out her friends and her sisters friends (because they are so cool)...at one point we thought she was destined to be a loner; actually we thought both of the girls would be. Their social skills were so slow to develop and it takes special people to love special people and they have both found them.

Then there is Keith his 1st day back to TRU, no students on the first day but this is his last year of teaching a program that he was so blessed to receive. God has watched over his career at the University...blessing him with full time work, tenure and an opportunity to develop his own course for next year. A lot of work ahead of him, but he can finally develop a program he is happy with.

As for me...I usually enjoy my first day of peace and quiet in 2 months by staying at home and puttering...but not this year. I have stepped out to do something I have always wanted to do, help others. Be a part of teaching people how to care for themselves in the midst of pain and fatigue and suffering. I am facilitating the Arthritis symptom management program with another lady, Maureen. It went very well for my first time yesterday...I was a tad nervous but then found my groove and it went very well...we finished a few minutes early, but that was good as I was afraid I would talk too fast and we would be done super early! Ha not like I ever do that eh?

It is always amazing how God puts things into our paths and if we are willing we can find an awesome opportunity to serve. I was a bit worried as we have to stand to present our information and I knew I wasn't up to that. I had bought a small stool to sit on when out shopping, but it wasn't sturdy enough for me. So oddly?! as I was quickly running through walmart a few days ago I found a folding stool...a taller one for $9.00 yahoo what a deal...it is light weight, folds and sturdy enough for me to sit on. So now I can sit in front of the group and teach my part comfortably...well as comfortable as it gets for me.

So all in all it was a good day of 1st's. I even managed to pre-make dinner in between my stitch group time and when I had to leave for class. I had breakfast, lunch and dinner...(not my strongest ability to eat 3 meals a day) but I have vowed that I need to change that up...

Next week I start my swim classes again...so we will see how the fibrobody holds up, I have tried to make sure there are days with lots of rest time. Not as well feeling as I would like to be, but better than I was in the spring. So for now I am happy and praising God for that.

Hope everyone has a good week!

a progressive time...

2010-09-01T19:53:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm not even sure I'm ready to share this...I am still in a bit of denial and shock. It starts with a simple comment...I just spent 600.00 dollars.....on what you may ask?! Age! Simply age, can I leave it at that? Well probably not, now that I've started.

Amazing how things creep up on a person. I really didn't even notice, just thought that the lights were dim...or I was tired but nope. I am the broke owner of a pair of progressive lenses...now it isn't a super strong prescription but as it happens my far vision is also worse, to the point where I should find it much more comfortable wearing my glasses daily...all day...for everything! Now when you start to do that suddenly the little bit of difficulty I was having cross stitching or filing my nails or yes even reading becomes even more sketchy. So while the prescription was still not too strong I felt now was a good time to start getting used to them.

The saddest part was that I love my frames, didn't want new ones, happy with the old ones but progressive lenses work better if you have a longer glass...sigh so after an hour of trying to decide if I'd wait 6 months or try the new lenses in my smaller glasses or just forget the whole thing I finally settled on a new pair...it will be odd enough to just be wearing glasses more often now I have to get used to a new pair too.

Ah so yes...my fourty three ish years of near perfect vision are at an end. My eye doctor lady says I should notice some decrease in the number of headaches I have...well the forhead ones anyway...no help for all the others...but some is better than none...so in 2 weeks time I shall be modelling my new specs...and in the mean time wearing my favorites ...nice thing is I can still wear the favorites for driving or going to the movies I suppose so for awhile I will get some choice...but have to carry both either way.

So that's that for now...

I've been thinking...

2010-08-24T11:33:00.000-07:00

About what you ask? Well I hope you ask. Well I've been thinking about my role in Women's ministry. It is an interesting place to be I will say. I was hoping for a bit more interaction and communication with the leaders of our church, but that isn't happening. It doesn't necessarily scare me off...much. But makes me wonder if this is a God thing. Communication is the most important aspect of any relationship...God, Church, spouse, children, friends and the list goes on...even between you and a telemarketer...

I have strong feelings about how to make things work better, smoother and well just plain healthier. Now I am by no means an expert in this area...I have definately had my own issues with communication. But amazingly each and every time I step out of my comfort zone and go the communication route things just seem to work out so much better...weird eh?!

So part of the reason for this post is to see what you think of one of my ideas...I am thinking of starting a blog for Womens ministry at Valleyview. It will allow me to feel connected to some of the folks, oh I know not everyone will read it, but it will give people the opportunity...a place if you will to share, learn and grow...even like a mini bible study online...hmmmmm that just popped in there...I kinda like it. Now as always I must be aware of my own restrictions, this summer has treated me well. I usually feel much better during the warmer months and my energy is better. So I don't think this would be a guaranteed daily type blog..yikes that just makes me cringe thinking about it...perhaps a weekly post...or more if warranted but at least try at weekly with a quick up date if things are out of control and I am needing a rest...that might work.

It will require research and time, I want it to mean something...not just fun errant ramblings...are my skills up to it, can I write something people will want to read? I know Christ himself will be present with me at my keyboard....it will allow some of the age barriers to melt away...our younger women who don't quite want to be women yet might find it a safe place to check out. Or is there already enough of this out there and I would be just another things people would have to do...

So I look forward to all of your feedback.....

the lazy days of summer

2010-08-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

Well here we are 1 day shy of mid August. It has been a good summer so far...lots of adventure, rest, spending time with my kids and hubby.
I almost didn't come here today, it has been awhile and even though I felt I didn't really want to say much...maybe it is because for me the summer is people overload...with the 5 of us all home and no real breaks from each other I feel all talked out. Not to mention I have been lucky enough to have a friend join me for almost all of my exercise time, so I feel just plain talked out.

But alas, I feel a need to share with the pages of this blog and you what has been going on....

July was awesome, as the weather heated up my pain dialed down and while still quite tired at times my energy level is higher. Now for me at this stage that isn't great but I will still thank God for every day that is less difficult than the one before.

We spent the early part of July just relaxing...we had the privilege of using my inlaws pool for 2 weeks while they were away and let me just say I LOVED IT. Spent hours in there on the days we went over...nothing better than just swimming, drinking cool drinks and snacking. We basically just brought all our swim stuff over and bought some groceries and were set. Luckily no sunburn, considering I think the shortest time we were in the pool was 2.5 hours. I am still surprised that we all didn't "slosh" when we walked!

Then we were off on a "hotel" adventure. Figuring my energy levels were still very low it would be the only real "away" vacation for this year other than camping. We chose Osoyoos, man we had the perfect set up.
We got a suite, full kitchen, living room, only 1 bedroom but with 2 beds. And less than a 5 min drive to the beach of choice. Then there was an amusement park right beside our hotel, which thanks to airmiles only cost me 83.00 per night! bonus!! Anyway the amusement park had all the fixin's go carts, bumper boats, mini golf a few amusement rides, arcade...so luckily it was right next door so we just went in spurts as my energy could handle and the girls and I had a blast...we did mini golf one evening (it was too hot during the day) we finished around 930 and then decided to do the bumper boats because we were so hot!! It was great and Meghan got soaked...
We spent about 3-4 hours each day at the beach...it was wonderful, we were there for 4 days. The nice thing about this lake is there are always waves...so we plunked ourselves into our tubes and bobbed for hours all I can really say is aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh! Sweet! the rest of the time was nap time for me and quiet time for Keith and the girls, they even napped with me one day.

Then we were back home for a few more days at the pool before the inlaws got back. Thankfully my sister wanted to go camping for a few days so she came and helped me clean the camper and get it stocked up.

Myself, Dawn, Hunter(my nephew) and his friend Daphne went and spent 4 days at Lac Le Jeune...we did experience some very odd weather...hail, lightning, downpours but luckily had a dry place to spend it. Hunters friend was very cute and they played extremely well together. So being it wasn't my children I basically sat back in my new anti-gravity chair and knitted, cross-stiched, puzzled and read my way through the days. Even got some walking in but no swimming wasn't warm enough for me.

So they left on Sunday and Keith came out to spend 2 nights with me by ourselves....sounds fun and it was until we got up Monday morning to a steady cold damp rain. By 6pm I had enough...I was getting really sore and cold to the point I couldn't get warm so we packed it up.

I've been busy each week seeing my Occupational therapist and she has helped me to change some habits and make some of my activities more energy efficient....looking forward to September when we will really see some of the ideas put into place.

We have 1 more outing for sure, 1 week at Herald from the 22-27...we are in campsite 69 if anyone wants to come hang out with us for a few hours and bob with me in the lake !

Not sure what next week's plan is...I'd love to squeeze in some more camping, my brother in law will be in town starting on the 18th, he currently lives in Abu Dubai teaching so we are looking forward to some of his tales and of course more swimming at the pool.

Emily is at Gardom Lake for the week we are at Herald, then it is the last week...time to get ready for school, work for Keith and routine for me whether I like it or not!

p.s. The University has decided to close down the electronics program that Keith teaches. They will finish of the second year this year and they have offered Keith the chance to build a new program dealing with networking and robotics...trying to keep in line with industry. So he is excited about that...he will be doing some training this year as he only has approx. 65% of a teaching workload so they agreed to pay him while he does some training in the networking field. The other two teachers have taken on new roles as they finish up this last year. One is an engineer so he is off to teach in that dept. and the other is likely to take early retirement...ha ha Keith thought he should go for that option...ha NOT.

Anyhoo that's summer in a nut shell. So far I have managed to keep my sanity through another 2 months of "together" time...now don't get me wrong I love em' all but sheesh 24/7 is a bit much to ask don't you think!!!
Ha ha

dates

2010-07-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

I love going out for "dates" with my children. Whether we are all together or on individual dates it doesn't matter, I just love spending time with them. Yesterday was a 2 for... in the afternoon Emily and I ran off to the mall for a short shopping trip, eyebrows waxed and lunch. Then it was home for a nap for me and Emily was off to a birthday party. When I woke up Matt was quietly pushing his I phone into my peripheral vision with the movie listings showing...what no plans for Matt with his friends...yay for me so off for a quick bite at Red Robins and then to the movie, which we enjoyed and laughed our way through. So what a blessed day that was. Where is Meghan you ask, well my little social butterfly is at her friend Sammy's house for the 2nd sleepover marathon of the summer...she spent 3 nights there last week and then another 3 nights this week...

Summer is a bit weird for us this year. I am busy keeping up with my rehab schedule, trying to do all the things I'm asked to do. Keith is tired and not up to doing much, he just found out they cancelled the first year of his program for the fall...ominous signs that after they finish with the 2nd year class this year they may cancel the program all together. He has tenure so he can't be laid off but the stress is still stress. He meets with the Dean of his program next week to find out where they will be putting him to teach in order for him to deserve his full time pay...it could be anywhere as long as he is qualified...

Matt is busy working and trying to fit in some fun time with friends. Meghan has no big plans just hanging out with her friends this year. Emily has had 3 birthday parties since school let out, she has a week in Calgary with a friend for the first week of August then Gardom lake for the 3rd week of August so she has lots planned for the next little while.

We are hoping to get our trailer ready to do some camping and are planning at least one small road trip to the okanagan...hotel's along the way...time spent at beaches and such.

It is hard to do too much when my energy levels are still so low, but God willing we will fit some fun in there somewhere...even in little bits like dates.

As time goes flying by...

2010-06-15T20:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, well I know everyone always says it...and we all feel it. Time just races by, before you know it things are changing. Oh not the little things like the garbage is suddenly full or the nights seem to be so long suddenly. I'm talking about bigger things, for me it seems as though the heavy oppressive fatigue I've been dragging around with me for 6 months has suddenly lifted...wait...before we celebrate that huge accomplishment let me just say that when day to day, minute to minute you feel tired, bone tired all the time...just standing up tires you out, it is by no means a small thing and even though for me it is only a single thing; I still tire quickly but instead of 10 minutes I can now do 20-30 minutes it is a 100% improvement. I no longer feel tired just being awake.

I recognize that celebrating the small things about the big things is important too...so I am just going to bask in that wonderful thing and not belittle it with the other body issues... yup I'm just going to celebrate that!

Oh and while I'm on the subject... I can not for the life of me figure out what happened to my small children, my babies...my lil' ones as I like to call them and still call Emily. Well on Friday we will be celebrating her end of Elementary school days. I can so clearly remember the 1st day I dropped her off...we walked and she skipped, so happy to be like her big brother and sister...I played happy, I am not one of the mom's who is excited about my freedom. I knew I would miss my little buddy...chatting endlessly in my ear, trying to talk me into taking her out to lunch and buying her favorite things at the grocery store...ok well maybe those things haven't changed much except for the amount of time we have to spend together doing them... But I cried the whole walk home after dropping her off, proud and sad all at the same time...

Starting in September I will loose out on another 1 1/2 hours of time with her...she will leave earlier and be home later. I will no longer have that 1/2 - 1 hour before the high school kids get home. I am excited and frightened for her but immensely pleased that we still have an open line of communication, trust and well just plain fun with each other. It will get harder over the next year to keep all those lines open. My baby is now my teen...I might be able to get used to that but I will always think of her as my lil'one.

Then there is Meg's I have to get her through this last week, and as usual there are huge speed bumps in the way. She has been sick since Thursday and has at least one "have" to do assignment in one of her classes to pass, and to make it worse it is dark room work for photography...I will try and get her in to at least finish up that part tomorrow. School is done on Thursday, final day for assignments to be handed in is Friday. Then it is on to the "last" for her....her last year of high school...last year of worrying if that goal of a Dogwood diploma is reasonable...last year of me feeling more stressed than she does about whether she passes or fails... last year of my worrying if a teacher will "get" her and accept her for the intelligent and amazing girl she is...I know there will be a huge party next June to celebrate her end of high school, hope you all know you are invited!

She has grown a lot this past year, if it were not for this silly virus invading her body she would be done her last assignment and sailing through to an end of grade 11. But as I have learned with this precious child of mine, nothing comes easy...but each success is so much sweeter by the time it happens. I think I will spend the greater part of next year holding back tears as we come to the end of a long arduous journey through our public school system. I am already so proud of her.

Again I know this won't be the end of her struggles, by no means. But it is an amazing accomplishment for a child who would just "turn off" when the math sheet was handed out...or stare off into space if she didn't like what was going on around her. I can remember when I asked her 1st grade teacher if something seemed weird...she laughed and said oh no, she just needs some extra TLC to get her going......and that is exactly what we have given her for 12 years of school and will continue through her life...but when this last year of high school is over it will be over...and that is all I have to say about that!

Sunshine paradise

2010-06-12T19:49:00.000-07:00

There is no better term for today...after way too much rain I was able to be outdoors with 9 other women enjoying a hike and picnic today at Isobel Lake. It was just amazing! God allows us to create the most beautiful memories all the time, we just have to look for them a little harder sometimes. But today was one handed to us on a beautiful platter of sunshine. I truly did not think I could deal with another wet humid day after this past week. So praise God for today, for life, for sunshine, for new friends and some older (not in age by the way) friends, for picnics and lakes, loons, fluffy goslings, barbques and rest.

Off to Vancouver

2010-06-02T13:05:00.000-07:00

Yup I am off to the coast, Richmond actually, on Friday I fly out at 1200 and do not return until Sunday at 6pm. I am off to do some learning...I am being trained by the Arthritis society so I can be a part of the seminars they put on. I will also then get the opportunity to help at information booths when they are up at malls/street fairs etc.

I am very excited, I know it will be a long weekend and I may "pay" for it in some physical way. It doesn't help that I am already experiencing an increase in pain over the past week or so. But it is something I really want to do. It gives me a sense of giving back and that is something very important to me. When I became a Christian and began dealing with my past I realized that God had taken the bad things that happened in my life and began using them for good...I realized that no matter how hard or how easy life is, it has no meaning unless you give back from your own experiences.

So off I go to meet 19 other women I don't know from around the province and learn how to facilitate different groups and meetings that the arthritis society puts on. It is all very exciting. So far Kamloops has a very limited volunteer base in this area. Actually I am learning that the Arthritis society is poorly funded and struggles with fundraising to run any amount of great programs. I am praying that this changes in Kamloops as more volunteers come forward. There is nothing worse than living with a chronic painful disorder and not being able to find support, resources and acceptance. So for those of you who know me I am working hard at pacing and even have some help coming to help me do that in the next few weeks. Even though my mind is running on what could be done and what I'd like to do.

Yup pacing that's what I am working on...

Have a great day!

alot to do about nothing...

2010-05-31T10:28:00.000-07:00

Well it has been a few busy days. Some ups and some downs but overall fairly decent. Yay!

It appears that my fatigue has lifted a bit more, but on the other end the pain is up...hmmm I am sure it is related to each other as less fatigue means more doing which equals more pain...I am managing the pain with medication that mostly helps which is nice as there is no medication to help with the fatigue and even napping doesn't really relieve it. So for now things are okish.(if I can use that as a word).

This week saw me dealing with an over emotional 16 year old daughter...I'm thinking pms..it was her time. She has severe pmdd (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) so take pms and times it by oh...5 or so. Anyhoo she only has a period once every 3 months, sometimes they slip by without much ado this time it was full on symptoms. Poor girl. So everything was getting on her nerves and she was getting on everyone elses nerves...tough week for her. But it is over now for 3 months...maybe 4 as I am thinking less is better.

Emily is doing better, we have found the right dose of medication for her and her meltdowns are much less and she is actually getting some homework done...phew...thats a big one.

Matt was a way camping over the long weekend home for 3 days to work then back again with the homeschoolers, only down thing is when he gets home he goes thru withdrawl and ewww I have to deal with my family again...poor guy. Oh well such is life eh!

I had a busy week meeting with my Rehab guy and choosing the next plan of action. I am going to have an Occupational therapist come in and work with me from home...that way she can see what real life looks like for me! Good idea eh? I thought so. I will continue with exercise but on a more independent way. I will get a pass at the pool and will make that my job for the next few months. He was very understanding and seemed to understand fibro and it's toll and its never ending mysteries. So all in all it felt good.

Thursday was a good day. My new washing machine arrived, it is nice to not have to hand wring out the clothes as the old machine was no longer spinning much of the water out....I actually enjoyed doing laundry (that won't last long) and it takes so much less time. The evening was the best part. Miss Sheila and I rocked out at the Big Daddy Weave concert. This is one of my favorite bands and while it was poorly attended and the lead singer wasn't there due to a family emergency, he ended up taping the songs from his hotel room and they then showed it on a screen while the band played along. It was still great. I danced and clapped and sang, it was just great to worship God with 2 great bands and a solo guy playing, opening act. He was good...very nice voice. I prayed thru the whole night that God would allow me to worship in this way without having to pay for it the next and my prayers were answered. I awoke friday morning feeling the same as I had the previous days, I should have prayed for no pain ha ha, but I just lift my praise to God for allowing a night of fun.

So I ended off the week on a bit of a sour note, communication communication communication...sigh I had asked a couple of ladies to plan our hike, in 2 weeks, they never really connected and didn't understand I guess what I meant and therefore I found out yesterday that nothing was done. Not that there is a lot needed but we were going to join up with another group from chase at adams lake...I don't know where at Adams lake as I have never hiked up there....so now I am frantically trying to reach Marni to find out if they are joining us and where we are going. Otherwise I might have to change the location. Top it off I am away next weekend... Ok so everything happens for a reason so I shall just set my mind to doing it and get it worked out and obviously work on my communication skills. Perhaps they just aren't ready to do things on their own yet...more training required. I can deal with that.

So it is a new week, fresh slate. Hope everyone has a good week!

In honor of

2010-05-13T17:01:00.000-07:00

It is a busy week for me...well not really for me but for things I represent or are a part of me. A few years ago I realized that from the 1st of May to the 15th of May there is something going on or celebration of all things me. Ever think of it, what describes you as a person, your everyday person.

This 2 weeks is full of my birthday, mothers day, nurses week and national fibromyalgia awareness day. Now this doesn't comment on every aspect of my life but it does hit some of the important ones.

I am 43, born May 8 1967 to Lloyd and Darlene Woods. In Kamloops actually. My parents met here, my mom grew up here. My dad came from Saskatchewan after he finished high school give or take a year or so. My dad's sister Alice, my favorite Aunty had been married and lived in a house beside my mom's parents, my mom babysat her kids and that is how they met...I think, come to think of it I never did ask for many of those details...add that to my to do list one day when they aren't sitting with their newer spouses.

The three of us then moved to Mica Creek where I lived for 10 years then we moved to Armstrong where I graduated from high school. I then returned to my roots here in Kamloops to take my Nursing. In September of 1985 at the young age of 18 I moved here to live with my mom's parents. I began the nursing program. I graduated from nursing in 1988 at 21. Way to young I must say the first 3 years or so I was scared out of my mind. But I did get through it. My first job and love was working on pediatrics. But it was hard work, satisfying work and it helped to lead me to Jesus. No way to survive that job without Him.

Keith and I were married in 1989, bought our first house in 1990 and had our first baby by November 1991..welcome Matt the beginning of what would be many Mother's days to come. I had mild post partum depression after Matt which worsened after each child. Meghan came in 1993, my angel baby...slept and ate, having two kids was not hard at all...well then she turned 2...and you all know the rest of the story. She is still my angel...good and bad. Emily was a bit later, and I had to really sell my desire for a 3rd child to Keith after a few years of craziness with Meghan. If looks could...well you know, I think my Doctor thought I was certifiable when I arrived in his office announcing my 3rd pregnancy...you know ignorance is bliss and that is the story I'm sticking to!

Emily came along in 1997, the year I turned 30...big year for me! Now I would never say I thought twice about my decision to have 3 children...maybe I should have. But that sweet little one made my Mothers day complete. It just felt right, I didn't know Christ yet but it was like it was pre-ordained and now that I know Him I don't feel any different. But things got a lot harder after that. My depression became a chronic illness, I began having a lot of unexplained pain and fatigue. The general consensus was...who wouldn't packing all those kids around! But little did we know what was coming next.

Meggy started kindergarten just after Emily turned 1...so Emily and I were a twosome it was like having 1 kid all over again...I guess I thought things were going so well, we decided a move was in order and sold our starter home and moved up to Aberdeen. I had a few more years before my life would take a definite turn.

In 2004 all my aches and pains were finally diagnosed as Fibromyalgia...I was scared but still managing to have a fairly active life...I had no choice keeping up to my daughters who were taking up a lot of my time. I frequently asked for help for Meghan, something didn't seem right. It took until the end of grade 5, 2006 for us to finally have her assessed...you all know the rest of that story too. To say life was gonna get bumpier from there would be well inevitable. Yes life was still basically the same before diagnosis but now a new mind set had to sink in and plans made with teachers and etc...both a blessing and not. Not to mention now that we knew what was going on with her...Emily's teachers started making some noise...well life was just to busy to think about our "baby" who always had a bad temper and talked a lot and jumped from 1 topic to the next quicker than the speed of light...even the fact that she had few friends and didn't seem to care didn't really tip us...but again we went down that road of diagnosis and planning for my second daughter...that is a story in and of itself.

So now if somewhere in the mix between May 1st and May 15th was love a kid with ADD (etc), working hard at having a good marriage and proud to be a child in Christ, my life would be rather roundly described within that 2 week period....but I'd say that 4 out of 7 (for the big parts of life) in a 2 week period is more than enough.

Lets just leave it at that...for now I am a 43 year old mother of 3 who has fibromyalgia and has been proud to be a nurse caring for others for over 20 years.
I'll save the rest of the story of who I am for another time. That's about enough for me!

Blessings to you all

A weekend to never forget

2010-05-09T10:32:00.000-07:00

I knew it would be a busy weekend right from the start. You see my birthday is May 8 and inevetibly it usually falls closely to mothers day weekend as that is always the 2nd sunday of May. So since becoming a mother it has always lent itself to be busy. Not that I complain, it is nice to be spoiled 2 days that are in close proximity to them. I had a nice birthday, recieved some nice homemade pottery from Emily that she made at school, bought myself a few new items of clothing and got a beautiful bracelet that I can fill with charms over the years to come. Today I plan to go see my mom for a short visit in Armstrong. Hoping my 2 girls will join me, depending on how tired they are after yesterday.

Now that is where things take a bit of a turn. You see yesterday was the funeral for Zach, he was 13 and he died from a brain tumor. We didn't know Zach well, but his family was such an inspiration during this trial to many. My girls I think just could relate to his young age and his terrible battle.

So we attended a long 2 hour memorial service for him, it was amazing just as Zach himself was amazing. But it was very emotional, lots of tears. As I sat there thinking of what his mom must be going through I realized that there was, as always with God's plans, a beautiful glimmer of hope from this tragic story. Really not just one as I sat there I could almost see the hand of God reaching out to people who were changed or were going to be changed by Zach. But not only that as I watched my two girls comfort each other I heard that soft voice within me reminding me of the gift I had and how important it is to cherish every moment we are given together. I was reminded that my girls are God's gift to me, I have the responsibility of raising them and teaching them but they are just a gift to me from God and that He is truly the one marking their paths.

So I hope everyone enjoyed their mothers day and realized how incredibly lucky we are all. May God bless you all.

I can't help but think...

2010-04-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like here in my home without the added factors of ADD etc that take over my sweet girls. We are really struggling with Emily (still) oh we have good days and bad, it is just when the bad days start adding up that life here gets particularly noisy. You see Emily is a screamer...always has been. Whatever the request or demand that we place on her, when she is not doing well it is always answered with a high pitch blood curdling dogs go running to hide scream. Some people I know have heard it, usually over the phone as she manages to hold it in if we have people over, sometimes. Then we just get the stomping! Oh and she can stomp. For such a little person I have always been amazed at what can come out of her.

One of the hardest parts is that it tends to drive a nail between Keith and I. He wants me to fix it...I want him to fix it...neither of us wants to deal with it. How do you even start a day when you know it will be met with screaming, crying, stomping and down right refusals over the simplest of things and that is on the good days...on the bad days it must be multiplied by 10. I have even taken to telling her on the real bad days to go back to bed, I just can't fight the fight again. She usually wakes up in about 1-2 hours and gets ready happily and heads off to school!

Please don't send me advice, this is just a post to express myself. I can not get her to bed earlier...I can not offer her positive reinforcement as she just can not comprehend what that means in the middle of all that goes on. Negative reinforcement well...try multiplying it by 100 that is the response to that and it can last for hours.

I know that what is really needed is 2 healthy parents, some respite and support on a level that no government agency seems to understand or be able to help with. The nice thing is when she is with others the behaviour improves as she won't embarrass herself, although if she spent enough time with someone she likes to share once she gets comfortable. Even on our adventure to Vancouver after spending 2 days and 2 nights she was having a very hard time holding it back. Too much stimulation in too short of a time.

She has obsessive thought patterns, which don't allow much room for discussion. If she can't find something she wants she will search and search and search it takes everything she has to stop and leave it till later.

So I am just feeling the usual amount of being overwhelmed. Keith has been unwell as his thyroid levels have bottomed out, so he is tired and irritable...it can take months and even years to stabilize the numbers again, last time it was over 2 years.
He is just sooo tired. I am feeling over worked as the trip to Vancouver took a lot more out of me than before...I knew that going in considering how poorly I have felt so far in 2010...

So that is enough for today, sorry for the downer. Sometimes it just has to come out!

Great Beginnings

2010-04-12T10:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had the first of what I hope will be many Women's ministry meetings. I made it open to everone and had about 12 women come, much more than I expected...thanks for your support, my blog friends! I am happy with that, too many women at one time would be hard to keep the meeting short. I am happy to say I learned something about what to do better next time. I love the idea of my own growth through this ministry and of course the growth of others.

I am extremely excited about the involvement of one of the young mom's who has decided to start up a park ministry where mom's with young kids can get together once a week, hopefully bringing friends, then we will have to figure out a winter thing...hmmm. The other great thing I think is that there are women in our church who aren't involved because they don't know what is going on. I was excited by the prospect of people getting to know more about some of the behind the scene projects that happen.

I handed out my first brochure, of information and I am hoping it was well recieved. I am interested on hearing feedback in the next few weeks. It is funny how people are so used to "this is the way we do it" and struggle to move out of that. I did have a few of the older ladies ask why I changed the location for the yearly hike...I hope it doesn't ruffle too many feathers. It is always difficult when someone new takes over a ministry and makes changes. I am confident though in my vision for women and know it won't all be smooth sailing, can not please everyone at once.

I find one downside is finding some non-traditional events I don't want to be all knitting and cooking and fluffy stuff I want an adventure, excitement, flushed cheeks and hoorays... but I am confident God will lead me where He wants me to go, after all He is the one in charge!

Now I am off to update the website and book some dates.

A weekend by any other name

2010-04-05T08:59:00.000-07:00

Well I have to say it is great to have a 4 day weekend. For us it was quieter than usual. We had my Dad, Elma (her daughter) Tyrina, Justin, Jayden and Jaxon (who was 1 month old on Sat.) Dawn, Hunter and ourselves for dinner on Saturday. First we went to Walmart and took some pictures of the family then came back here. Elma made a delicious lasagna and I made salad and garlic bread. It went well...except I was exhausted and had a headache that should have blown the top of my head off. You know it's bad when I say it was bad. I need to be forceful enough to ask people to leave...but couldn't so finally around 730 or so everyone began leaving. I loaded up on drugs and went to lay down.

Sunday was a great service at church. Then home for lunch. My mom had said she might come up so I had prepared a ham, potato salad and buns for lunch. When I got home at 1245 and she wasn't there yet I knew she wasn't coming. I called and she was feeling under the weather, so no visit. My mom does not like to travel. We barely see her here, only for big occasions. Grad for example.

We didn't see Keiths parents, weird, they went to the US for thur/fri/sat. They were back home Saturday afternoon. I think we might be in the dog house for something she percieves as us doing wrong. I am just too tired to really get into it.

So today is Monday, last day. Keith is interested in doing a few projects....now don't fall off your seats. We are going to finally get the bead board up in the main bathroom and put in new light fixtures in the basement. Then I am sure I'll have my daily nap and relax for the evening...

I hope everyone had a great Easter. I felt the blessing of God and His gift to us through the weekend, but to be honest I feel that everyday. I am so humbled and amazed at the gift of life we were given. It brings me to tears everytime I think of what Jesus went through for me. I love Him more than any words could describe.

The up's and down's

2010-03-26T09:42:00.000-07:00

Well the last week and a bit have been crazy. My mood has been definitely a down, but after a long talk with my hubby, where I asked him to try not to explain away how I was feeling and just listen, I do feel a bit better.

I really have lagged off on my exercise as well...thankfully swimming starts again on monday and with the nicer weather I did get out walking twice this week. So really not too bad.

Good news from my insurance company, they are considering putting me into a more comprehensive program thru the Welcome Back center. It will be a more team like approach where I will continue seeing Natalie(kinesiologist), an Occupational therapist, a psychologist, massage and chiropractor all thru the same clinic. I will miss seeing my regular massage and chiro, but this way they will all be communicating. I am just waiting to hear if I am approved.

The insurance adjuster also said they know they will have to find or create a new role for me in the hospital setting and see a very long process of increasing stamina and strength. So at least they are on my side.

Another good was I watched a webcast, 1 hour long, about new research in fibro and new medication studies. Some very interesting and disheartening things all at the same time. They are leaning towards it not being soft tissue/muscle/tendon/ligament pain caused by a disrupted pain cycle, but more of a neurological disorder of the pathways in the spinal cord, they have seen through MRI's that a person with Fibro has a definite loss in "grey Matter" in the brain...cause of fibro? or because of fibro. There also has been a promising showing in a new medication that has been on the market for many many years helping to decrease the pain and increase energy...but are still a long way off of it becoming recommended by the FDA for use, they are hoping to start a trial on it soon. Genetic research is being done to locate a gene for fibro, once done hopefully will lead to more diagnostic findings that prove you have the illness. It was promising stuff.

This weekend is busy, EMily has her Destination Imagination tournament on Saturday, unfortunately the registration is way down this year, but good for me it won't last as long as usual, we should be done by 2 rather than 6 or 7.

My mom's birthday is on monday and I am going on Sunday to have lunch with her to celebrate.

I am so proud...and sore. I was able to finally get out and clean my car...no vacuum yet but the dust bunnies are gone.

Hope you all have a good week.

Sunny days

2010-03-19T09:56:00.001-07:00

I just can not believe it is the middle of March. This is when I start thinking of planting some seeds early enough so they will fill up my garden. I'd love to have a small vegetable garden too. The problem here is it gets sooooo hot in the summer as we have sun all day long and I just forget to water often enough. It sounds so easy but man I kill plants every summer! Maybe it is because the yard is so big...and I am focused on keeping my grass green, which is a full time job for some reason.

Keith offered to make me some raised garden beds and I would so love to have peas, carrots, onions and tomato...my favorites fresh off the vine! So maybe this year will be the year...who knows I might have to wait as camping does take a large chunk out of my at home time.

This year Keith gets the "extra" paycheck in July and I think we might be doing some water smart stuff to the yard. Get rid of a portion of the grass...we have some plans so far....putting crushed rock into the side where we park our trailer and then pea gravel under the play structure, that my kids barely use anymore but I'm not taking it down!! We have been thinking of building a patio off the family room's french doors with the hopes of framing it into a sun room....??resale value??.
I'd like it to have a roof so I could sit out there if it is raining and enjoy the fresh smells. I have always wanted a front porch to sit on as it is the only place that gets shade in the late morning early afternoon and with the brick on the front of the house it is nice and cool...our cul-de-sac is so quiet it would be a nice little retreat a simple idea as there is already a flower bed there that doesn't grow the best as for the lack of sun...so part of the work is already done!

Then there is the other side of the house...I'd love to take the grass out and xeriscape that area...low water need and no mowing. Good ideas with the water meters coming.

Now with that all said I am hoping for a lot out of my poor hubby...although I did promise him we would rent a small tractor for pulling the grass out and pushing the gravel around...he perked up with that. He has done an awesome job in the past on small decks that are built at ground level....so who knows...

Our plans of selling have cooled for now. Reality is we need to, but I think it is best to wait till Emily is done high school...it will open up some nice options in the number of bedrooms we will need on the main level and location, as we are limited if we want to keep Emily with her friends at school. I still have the fight of to go back to work or become permanently disabled so I do not want to add to my already crazy stress level!! Good plan eh?

So as long as my new housekeeper stays on, and we can reduce the amount of daily yard work this will be home for at least 5 more years, gotta say I'm glad really I love my house and other than the stairs and my body I am sure I can figure it out!

perseverance

2010-03-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

I am tired today, one of those days I just want to go and crawl back into bed. I could fight it or give in. Fighting the feeling will mean a lazy day where I get not much done or I can sleep for a few hours and hopefully feel more refreshed and get some work done. It isn't always guaranteed I will wake up refreshed.

Yesterday was a busy day and in the midst of it all I forgot my Doctor's appointment...arrrggghhh! I see my family doctor every month so he can assess my fibromyalgia. Now usually it would be fine to miss an appointment, it takes 2 weeks to get another appointment, but I needed refills on my meds. Just what I need, so now I have to go to the pharmacy and see if they will give me 2 weeks worth of meds or get them to phone my doctor and then I'll have to come back to the pharmacy later...amazing how one missed appointment equals so much extra work!

Anyway enough of that. Interestingly enough as I read thru my fellow bloggers notes this morning there was a theme in some of them that took me right back to the chapter I just finished reading in my book "Second guessing God" so I thought I'd share some insight from that.

The author talks about what he sees as the two types of miracles God performs. The instantaneous miracles and the perseverance miracles. Oh we would all love to be at the tail end of the instantaneous miracles, but what would we ever learn, what would others learn from us. We would never have wise words of experience to share with those who don't know our Lord or those who are learning about God. It would only work if we were all the same...same bodies, same jobs, same life circumstances, all our decisions made for us...but we would be nothing but puppets on a string. Instead we all have a variety of experiences, ones that are rich, exciting, encouraging and the ones that are hard, painful and sorrowful.

It is only with these experiences when we are able to keep our lives intact that we realize that something supernatural is holding us together. There is no other explanation. When we are going through difficult times we have to see that every day when we open our eyes and say I choose to get up and experience today no matter what comes we realize that we depend on God, we depend on the hope He gives us each and every day. We find Him waiting in the strangest places...hidden words of encouragement or insight buried within a book, when I'm tired and need a few things at the grocery store but don't have a quarter for the buggy and one sits there loose from the rest, other distractions that help us pass the time when time is needed.

I have a life full of perseverance miracles...every day I open my eyes I know that without God I would have nothing to look forward to. He blesses each and every day with the miracles of life. They come in weird shapes and sizes, different every day.
Sunshine streaming on my feet as I sit in a chair, friends who need encouraging when I am stuck on myself and need to look outside of myself, a smile from someone who doesn't look like they smile much, a simple word of encouragement, a new friend who shares their own troubles. God's miracles come in all shapes and sizes and for most of us not in the tangible way we want them but in a way that makes each day easier to get through.

So do not get me wrong, I long for instantaneous miracles some days it is all I can think of. Perhaps though if I just trust the path God is taking me on, see the lives my perseverance affects and find the joy within each day that is filled with pain, tiredness, loss and frustration I will see the joy of the miraculous strength that God gives me everyday. I will see the people who feel safe talking to me about their own issues because they know of my own and feel they can talk to me without judgement. I feel God working in me everyday showing me how to love others as He does, allowing me to be the human vessel in which He can affect lives through my own life....Jesus with skin on.

We all need a Paul this book tells me, someone who has walked a life in a perseverance miracle one who has suffered and knows pain and grief and takes one step at a time. I hope all my friends who read this have a Paul or two in their lives and that they are blessed even more by being one for someone else...

storms

2010-03-16T17:35:00.000-07:00

Well it is officially over...a whole week of time with my girls. It seems odd as our lives change and we basically become a daily family of 4, as Matt is usually busy doing his own things. Time with him is more like a short visit a treat placed within a day. There will be no time when I will feel ready to let him go out on his own, but thankfully we are weaned slowly from our children over a period of a few years as they prepare to become adults.

Today was a really good day. Funny how even when things throw us off, like the girls being as slow as molasses and getting to school late, we can still see the day in a positive light. Sometimes this is a really hard thing for me. I can get so wrapped up in the "negatives" I forget to look for the good. Somedays I don't even know what keeps me together, keeps me from falling apart totally. I was there over the last few weeks...or longer. I think the turning point for me was a trip to see my counsellor, when I told her I wasn't doing well mentally she said but you look ok, that was the permission I needed to take my mask off. I have a few (masks) that I still keep around and use when I am out in public or with a group of people. Doesn't do me any good to cry in those situations. Thankfully I felt the need and felt I had the permission to just download all the stress and let the flood gates open.

Ok so here is the question. Why, oh why? Do we feel that we aren't able to do this more often. I think as Christian women we always feel that if we are "good" Christians we shouldn't need to allow our gates to open, because we know the truth of the gospel, we know that Christ is with us and we know things will get better.
But honestly I need to have a good sobbing cry sometimes and allow my human side to just flush out the saddness, disappointment, regret etc. It is such an amazing feeling to just allow our tears to wash it all away.

It reminds me of Noah and the flood. It must have been a very hard thing for God to do, to destroy almost everything he created. I feel bad enough if I let a plant die from lack of water, let alone a whole world. His tears cleansed the world of the saddness, disappointment and regret etc that He was feeling. So I think we too need to allow ourselves the time to cry....cry out from the depths of our souls, to me it is a cry to God, it needs no words, no explanation it is just a cleansing a releasing of all that we carry inside...

So for now my flood gates have purged the water from the overflowing water trapped behind those gates, the pressure has been released and the darkness that was threatening my very soul is gone. Once again I have met God in a place near the bottom where the peace of Him allows me to rest and recover from the storm. Then when I am ready He brings me back to the surface and the sun shines through and I am reborn again with more knowledge and strength and have let go of a little bit more in my journey of trusting God and not depending on the world.

God is the clay vessel that holds all of me together.

Too long

2010-03-13T20:41:00.000-08:00

Yup too long since I've even thought about writing in my blog...likely no one will even check to see if there is something new, I had almost given up on myself!

So whats been up? Well a few things have kept me away.

Reason 1: The easiest one is Keith has taken over my office chair. I have a hard time sitting for long periods and well he has been doing a fair bit of work at home and doesn't have his own chair, so he took mine. Ok so the obvious would be to take it back right!??!

Here comes Reason 2: My house keeper abruptly stopped coming in early January, and trust me I need weekly help!! It took me most of Jan/Feb to find a new one and it wasn't easy with the monstrous fatigue I was having. Then I had to wait for her to schedule me in....ok so make my point already! My office becomes a holding zone for laundry, vacum's, carpet cleaner etc...I could barely walk over everything let alone clear a path and push my chair back to my office...but a few days of increased energy and I have managed to make a path...so welcome home comfy chair...sigh I can hear my muscles sighing in relief!

Reason 3 isn't one I like to admit, after all I like to keep my held together, strong countenance in place..ha ha, but it is easier to admit to my friends I have been slogging through a mild down turn in my depression. Jan/Feb are never great months for me but throw in the fatigue, my littlest daughter, my husband and just every day life and I will admit I have been withdrawing from my friends. Emily is doing better, we were able to remove some stress from her life at school with some changes and I have been making effort to spend some quality time with her, thank you God for an increase in energy...every little bit counts! Then there is the hubby. Most of you know he has a bad thyroid...has to take a pill everyday...he finally stabilized early last year, after 3 or so years...so who would have thought that the increased tiredness and grouchiness was because his levels had dropped to an all time low...even lower than when he was diagnosed. Yikes, Lord Almighty what toils you present. Doctor thinks it was a reaction with another medication Keith takes that has caused the problem and has increased his thyroid medication.
You would think that would solve the problem, you who know my hubby know nothing comes easy for us or him. Now he is on the over hyper side...I'm not really sure if its the meds, cause he only changed them on Wednesday...but a sing songy silly man is residing in my house and he is driving me crazy!!

So why am I back, because I know better. Darn that nurse who resides within my head, always telling me what to do, who does she think she is! Well she is the voice of reason that reminds me darkness is no hiding place, that only thru connection and perseverence will I cross over to a happier place; she is the one who has listened to the counsellors, doctors etc who have taught me skills to cope and she is so darn right....sheesh can't even have a little down time.

So I have slowly started putting myself back out there, been to a new friends Tuesday knitting/tea group. Shared some of my own life with another who is hurting and offered an ear to listen. Shared in the marriage of two young people who already know life isn't a single lane with beautiful wild flowers lining the sides and pointing them to a perfect life. Working on my Ministry ideas and getting pumped up again.

It was like a reality check that we all have things in our lives we wish were not happening, especially to us, that reminded me that without our ups and downs we would really have nothing deep and meaningful to share with each other.

I've been slowly re-reading a book. Second Guessing God, hanging on when you can't see his plan by Brian Jones. It covers everything from disappointment to terminal illness and how God works thru everything for His plan.

I was just reading a story he was telling of friends who travelled abroad and brought home a big ugly smelly carpet that looked more like junk than anything you would want to pay to bring home with you. But as his friend opened the carpet and laid it onto the floor a beautiful persian rug lay before him with rich colors, patterns and texture that were more beautiful than anything he had ever seen...and he takes us to heaven where God will welcome us one day and flip over our carpet and finally show us the tapestry of our lives...the people who were touched and changed
because of what we go thru and He will say....
"Thank you for being patient
Thank you for enduring the pain
Thank you for being faithful
Thank you for not giving up when you had every reason to do so...this is what I was doing...this is the weave of your life, the intricate patterns that only I had the map to...

This is why I am back, why I have and will continue to share with you my journey...even when it feels like it is always negative I have to remember the threads God is weaving together from my life and how each strand is connected to someone else.

My love to all my friends who read this and know I am always there to help with your weave of life, just as I know you are there to help me. God bless.

It is official

2010-02-22T10:26:00.000-08:00

I am now the mother of 3 teenagers. Yikes. Thankfully I spread the pain out a bit, Matt at 18 is pretty much doing his own thing now. He is a bit at loose ends and needs a lot of more "realistic" adult support at this time...and just time to figure out where he goes next. Meghan is seemingly on a nice little plateau...making her way thru the rest of grade 11, with a very eclectic group of friends in high school and a great peer group in her youth group. Oh the struggles are still very apparent with her but we are all keeping it fairly even. Then there is the newest "teen" in our house...I must say she is coming into this phase like a little Tasmanian devil!

She is one little person who is putting an amazing amount of strain on this family unit at the moment....anyone up for some respite?? Even just typing those words bring on a huge amount of uncertainty, fear and failure for me. But some days it would be very easy to pack up her bags and send her away for a little while. We have managed to have a fairly good heart to heart talk with her lately where she told us she was feeling very stressed. The biggest thing being my illness and how "sick" I have been since the beginning of January. I did have a reprieve for a few days last week, but things just aren't getting all that much better over all for the mind numbing fatigue I am having. So lets not even talk about how that makes me feel.

Her second large stressor is of course school. She is struggling at home with doing homework and while she maintains a fairly good outlook while at school, it doesn't last once she is thru the doors of the home. She was able to articulate some specific challenges at school, band being one of them. As she is getting no homework done at home she isn't practicing or doing her compositions so the teachers, as they should, have been riding her to do better. She also has early band 1 day per week where she has to be at the school for 745....well I can barely get her out the door by 830, there is no way to manage that currently so their solution was she would have to come to 2 early practices a week to make up for the ones she misses by not being there on time....uhhhhhhhh I'm not sure if the teacher is that oblivious or just isn't thinking straight. So the ultimate stress reduction solution was to pull her out of band and put her into an art/homework class. Ahhhhhh that feels better already.

But of course there are still the extenuating circumstances that rule our household...she is a hormone raging 13 year old with ADD, tourettes, socialization disorder, low frustration tolerant girl!

So thankfully I have God to carry me through and friends who will listen/read my rants...so for now...that is it, tired me out typing all that!...

What type are you?

2010-02-08T18:59:00.000-08:00

Well do you know...have you ever wondered....I mean it is one of the most important things you will ever do for someone and it may mean the world to you when you get one too.

Of what am I chattering on about...well Hugs of course. I have been working hard at trying to come up with a blog that wasn't negative about how I've been feeling so I tried to think of something that makes me feel better and Hugs came to mind. I then started thinking of all the different people I know and the different way in which they hug...so I thought I'd share some of my observations.

A good hug is for me a life line...it gives me a sense of belonging, love, acceptance, a message without words when there are none to say. I myself have always been a "hug" person. If you are unsure why you haven't received one, it may be I'm waiting for the feeling of "it's ok" I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by loving them in what I feel is a very personal intimate way. Sometimes I'll ask...mostly because I am bursting with the need, but I do recognize that it is not an easy thing for everyone.

I have like I said met many different types...
My father in law is the awkward pull you in push you away quickly type...very difficult to deal with for me as I put so much into a hug. Then there are the side huggers...not too sure or maybe wanting to not give the wrong impression...I sometimes start with this kind of hug with someone new. It is a chance to feel their reaction...stiffness means no way ...and I will back off, for a while anyway....I may sneak a few more side hugs in until a person becomes more comfortable. Then I think I can identify at least 3 different good hugs. They usually involve full 2 arm hugs, but each is slightly different.

My close friends and family get these or give these... first there is the come on in, lasting for a good few seconds usually with a little extra squeeze in there somewhere this is great for a hi great to see you now lets sit and talk or spend time together. Secondly there is the full hug that lasts long enough for you to relax into it and feel the love of the person sharing the hug. Usually a goodbye or a haven't seen you for awhile type. Finally my favorite, and really one that is new for me and I fully enjoy and need regularly...it is the full 2 arm hug, firmly stating I've got you...even with a bit firmer grip...where I can exhale, relax and just relish the closeness and caring from that person or give that to them.

Interestingly one person in particular comes into mind, but many others are right up there too. Liz T. is the first one I think of, that girl pulls you in and holds you tightly...an amazing sense of God himself comes from that girl. She heals me with 1 hug. Then there are my 2 dearest friends, with whom I know the minute I see them I can exhale and relax into their hugs. They have seen me at my worst and been a life line for me with the strength of their belief in God and in the strength of their love for me.

I even like the unexpected hugs when people see how I am feeling and just come and offer any of the above types....well except for the pull in push out one...I find hugs extremely healing at times they will open up the doors and allow the flood of tears I keep restrained behind the walls of Public appearances...they are a tool in which one must be prepared for the outcome. I don't take any hug lightly...maybe it is because I am such a "touch" person. I had a nursing instructor say to me during my schooling...and at first I wasn't sure if it was a good or bad thing, they used to scare the heck out of me. She asked me if I noticed that during every conversation I had with a patient that I would at some point or another have my hand on them while talking. I wasn't particularly aware but I knew by the time I finished talking to the instructor that it was as much a part of who I am and what I believe in as breathing is...I don't think I could not do it...

I wait as patiently as I can for the best hug ever and that will be from Christ Himself, the one time I will no longer "need" hugs but will still use them to share my love for others. Even as I sit here thinking on this I realize that every time I get a hug from someone who allows me to exhale and just soak in the love I am getting a glimpse of that hug from Jesus. I know that through the Holy spirit each of my friends are the arms of Christ and with that I will just say...Thank you God for that

Nice....

2010-02-06T15:20:00.001-08:00

Today I had a nice treat. My dad's common law wife is away in Vancouver. So my sister and I went out for lunch with our dad. It is nice to have him to ourselves and not have to deal with Elma's strange ways. We aren't able to do things with him on our own when she is in town...ever. So it is always nice to sneak in some father daughter time.

We sat in the restaurant for 2 hours just visiting and eating....between his arthritis and my fibro we were screaming to move somewhere more comfy, but didn't want to interupt our time together.

So the stiffness and achiness is a small price to pay for this small priviledge.

I have to find something!!!!!!

2010-02-05T08:49:00.000-08:00

Something being a project or task that I can accomplish. I think I am moving into an angry phase with this incessant fatigue. While not as bad as it was a few weeks ago it is still plaguing me at every step.

But I feel a need to create. Something I can afford, do over time, enjoy, look forward to and feel a sense of "done".

I have been looking at pictures of "craft" rooms and have found some pictures of a room that I would love to mimic...of course there is a cost to that... I do have some wall painting I could do but that does take a lot of energy, a basement that I have promised my son I would get to soon and a garage that...well lets just say it needs some serious work.

Yesterday I was so in need of something I decided to go get my hair cut and my brows waxed....I just needed something!! It did perk me up a bit...but still the desire to create is just about ready to explode out of me...not a pretty sight I'd say!
Maybe I should look for a course on something new...I need to get out of this house more.

I know the best thing for me is to start with a list...always centers me and provides a place to go for ideas. So that is where I will start today...a list, and maybe a trip to Michaels...just to look...

Let the choir sing and angels celebrate...

2010-01-30T23:27:00.000-08:00

I have an announcement...well most of you already know this but. I am excited to say my son is going to be baptized, we think on February 28th but are waiting to confirm.

He himself left a blog on his site that blew my mind. I have know he was stuck, trying to put the pieces together. Trying too hard to see the unseeable, looking for the evidence that our world wants and yet our world will accept other unseen truths. He finally found the truth and saw the amazing things that God does every day in his life. He is now able to say I not only give my life to Christ but I am wanting to be baptized and reborn into Christs family.

As every mom, especially for me as we have only allowed God into our family in the last 6-7 years, I wonder where my children are, am I showing them the path of God and bringing it to their minds daily. Are they seeing Christ in me and changes in me that inspire them to seek Him out. Ah I know it is my job to teach and show them but ultimately it is Christ himself who will compel them to Him.

Matthew is a young man of intelligence, confusion, self awareness and non-awareness he is just coming into himself. I think he thought once high school was done everything would just fall into place. This is a hard time for youth I think and at this time for him to be reaching out to God instead of running away I must admit I feel truly blessed by this. I know Satan will try hard to disrupt this...but more importantly I know the power of my God.

So for those of you who read my blog...join us in celebrating Matthews baptism. I will keep you up to date on the date...maybe we will even have a little gathering to celebrate...maybe, God willing.

Who is this man in my house!?

2010-01-29T16:03:00.000-08:00

Good question eh? Got you all wondering a bit? Well for those of you who know my husband and I well you know the ongoing struggles we have had, well really that Keith has. To put it simply Keith is not a doer of things...he hates chores, he leaves unfinished projects, he always has plans that rarely see results.

Now some of you are going oh okay. But those who really know us are going uh yeah that barely describes it. It has been an ongoing challenge in our marriage especially since I became ill.

Also as most of you know both of our girls have ADD and etc. Now Keith and I have discussed this at length as he really is a mirror image of some of the girls behaviour or non-behaviour. So after some lengthy research and questioning, there is no doctor in town who will deal with adult ADD especially un-diagnosed ADD. We finally approached our family doctor...our argument was...what would it hurt to try a fairly new medication that research had found works very well on adults who while they present the symptoms were not diagnosed. So he agreed and sent Keith home with some samples to try....

One of the hard things for Keith is he has always suffered from weird stimulating dreams he will wake up crying they are absurd in nature and have affected his sleep...

So...here it is the unbelievable part...I am so proud of him for taking the chance on this medication.

He has been sleeping well, waking up with the alarm and almost jumping out of bed, because he feels rested! He has been getting the girls started in the morning with their daily meds and rousing them from sleep...without a lot of yelling and frustration. He has been taking initiative to tidy the kitchen, take boxes to storage of my final winter decorations stuff...even doing laundry. He is asking the kids to join him when he is doing a chore rather than telling them to do it while he sits and watches tv/computer. For some these seem like small things but as my long standing friends know this is a miracle in its own.

I have never, and this was my disablility in our marriage, given Keith so much praise as I have in the past 10-12 days. Which obviously helps greatly...but before there wasn't much to praise him for..."good job on surfing the internet for 3 hours" or "good job on taking all morning to have coffee and read the paper..."

So right now I am just praising God for the wisdom he has given to scientists who work in this field and praying that it is a lasting miracle for Keith. I know a lot of people are anti-medication and I understand where they come from but we have always agreed that if the quality of life can be improved then it was worth it. If relationships that struggle can be strengthened then it is worth it...if you are no longer fighting at every step it is worth it. We even accept that sometimes medications don't work or that their side effects are decreasing the quality of our lives and decide to live with the symptom they were hiding.

So for now life feels pretty good. If all that comes out of this is me learning to praise Keith regularly I will take it, even if the medication doesn't work out. God uses all things and patience, well lets just say patience has been a whole ring of keys for us...maybe it is time for things to start working out in that department!!

Yay.

A ray of sunshine

2010-01-23T18:42:00.001-08:00

Cautiously optimistic, I have had a better day today. I am still short of breath and tire very easily but the extreme muscle fatigue is definitely feeling better today...and not to over do it but I did need to get out I went for coffee with my cousin at Starbucks 1 hour out equaled a 2 hour nap...but no significant increase in the large muscle fatigue...so for now I am cautiously optimistic.

With this illness I have learned to never put all my eggs into 1 basket. Occasionally I do manage to put 2 or 3 in but I do have to be very careful.

So I have continued to rest today, maybe I won't have to miss church tomorrow, but we will wait till tomorrow to decide.

One day at a time....sweet Jesus.

Matthew 11:28 "come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."

a quick update

2010-01-21T10:58:00.000-08:00

I am still struggling with severe fatigue, I am not driving as I get too tired to do so. My Doctor has little but advice on resting to give to me. It is a very hard time for me. Keep praying for improved energy.

thanks

A favorite luxury

2010-01-19T11:31:00.000-08:00

Oh dear, my water cooler is leaking...found 1/4 of a fresh bottle on my kitchen floor, yikes. So now the question is do we buy a new cooler, when we are trying very hard to keep our expenses down. Or do I bite the bullet and accept the death of my cool, ready water.

Now it isn't like I don't like tap water, but I do like my water at a certain temperature..sensitive teeth and all. My morning routine is to have a cool glass of iced tea...water kept in the fridge gets too cool and no one ever refills the container.

So the water cooler has been one of those luxuries we have kept we were lucky with our last cooler as we had been renting it for some time and an offer came up to purchase it, cheap, I think because they were changing brands.

Sigh, alas I think it is time to move on and return to the habit of drinking water from the tap...as I have been researching a new one I find out they are terrible energy hogs...as much energy as it takes to run 2 18c feet refridgerators per year.

And until we have water meters installed it is a free product...I know it has always been free, silly thing to pay for water...I just liked the convinience and sometimes for me that is very important. I do have a hard time pouring from a full container.

But perhaps that can be a solution in itself...I'll get a smaller container and label it mine...so no one else uses it or leaves it empty...ha like that would work.

Oh well...that is life...

Mom...do you know where my __________ is?

2010-01-17T18:11:00.000-08:00

There comes a time when I am sure every mother who hears these words must want to pull every last hair out of her head....even the ones that aren't gray.

Funny thing is today I wish I had a mom to whom I could say...."mom do you know where I put my soft briefcase?" I can't find it...well rather I don't have the energy to go find it. I know it is around somewhere, most likely under a pile of stuff that belongs to everyone else. It is the glorious end of another weekend. I have managed to do a small amount of things around the house, not that you would know it by looking, but I have.

But that doesn't seem to help at all.....there is still laundry to do and important pieces that are needed for the week are missing...ie/undies and socks...funny thing you can always seem to find pants or a shirt but there are never enough undies and socks.

I do ask my girls to put their laundry into a basket so that I can sort and wash their clothes I do refuse to go into their rooms and pick it up off the floor...yet still I am the one who suffers with "mom...I don't have any clean _________, and I NEED IT NOW!" Like that is my problem...I am learning that sending my kids to school with day old socks and undies on because they haven't put their laundry out to be washed doesn't kill me...oh it does kill them...but I stick to my guns and add in a "It doesn't bother me if you are wearing smelly socks but I do feel sorry for your friends." (just to make sure they know that they are wearing dirty clothes). It does upset them, but then by the time they get home from school they have forgotten about their smelly socks, but I don't, so I remind them again that I can get a wash or 2 in before bed if...that is IF they put their laundry out...sigh...dejavue is not my favorite morning game...

Tonight I had to laugh heartily as Emily told me that I should just go buy her more socks and underwear with which she can decorate her floor with once she has worn them to smelly stiffness...I did try to explain to her the never ending cycle that would cause and that eventually she would no longer be able to live in her room as it would be full of socks and undies...smelly ones at that. To that I just get the roll of the eyes a distinct teenage sigh and as she makes her way to her room to hopefully pick up her laundry before she gets distracted, my hopes rise a bit...cautiously ah but no...not yet, not tonight...there will be another Monday morning with no clean _____________ and a distinct wail of "but I wanted to wear that today!" To which I will laugh heartily as I walk to the laundry room saying over my shoulder as I go...."I'll just check the clean laundry I did last night to see if it is there...oh there will be retribution of the teenage type, but I will block it with my shield of my own clean laundry as my cape of bounce sheets flies out behind me...safe for another day!

Ha Ha....that will show them I think...that will make them do what they need to do....right? Well won't it, why not...it's not fair...

no creative juice

2010-01-15T08:29:00.000-08:00

Wish I could buy some in the store...Creative juice. Guaranteed to take your mind off of your problems and give you a kick start towards productivity.

I am sorry to say that I am not feeling any better. I am unable to be up and about for more than 20 minutes without feeling totally exhausted.

So it is leaving me with alot of time...but not productive time as my mind is also tired and foggy.

I find that I am feeling out of sorts with what is going on in Haiti, I just keep seeing our opulent lifestyles and overindulgences. I know God is putting this holy discontent to work in me...but I wish He would also put some fire in my furnace too.
It is hard to not be overwhelmed with the world around us at times.

Of course I need to remember that my defenses are low right now and to just allow God to carry me through this time. My poor Meghan is very overwhelmed right now as she is dealing with a number of "tragedies" right now. A young boy at our church has terminal brain cancer and she is very emotional about that and then add to that what is going on in Haiti...since having been there herself she feels a very hightened sense of concern and dispair. She has even stayed home from school for 2 days...I just can't get her moving...she is so down.

We have been praying for haiti and her young friend and it does help but really these are some pretty big things for a girl like Megs who is very very very sensitive to others hurting.

Well we will all see the other end of this down time so we must keep striving for happy thoughts...

Learning to be still

2010-01-10T17:23:00.000-08:00

Almost everyone you run into complains that life is so busy, crazy busy. They find their lives run by schedules and appointments. No time for them only the family, work and what little they get done around the house.

I find myself, when I am feeling especially unwell and having a lot of down time, wondering what the purpose of my illness is? Am I willing to accept it as a "gift" from God. But I do question myself, am I missing something? How do I put a chronic illness into perspective, do I start asking what am I not doing to "please" God or what lesson am I failing to learn. There are so many people out there with suggestions...therapies, natural treatments, diet, exercise etc etc, they all think they have an answer, they all have a friend who was cured by....something.

Today was hard for me at church today. I felt on the edge of despair as I sat there thinking of those questions as I listened to the lesson of the day. I know for a fact that I am not being punished, that I am pleasing to God and as far as learning lessons well that is an ongoing thing for everyone of us, but not everyone of us is asked to live this way. But it seems time after time a sermon or a book or a friendly person will say: "God tests us for a time, some longer than others but we all go thru valleys and walk the tops of the mountains."

So how do I rectify in my mind what is going on with me. It has been many years of working through this fibro, a time without God and time with Him. I have seen short times of improvement but it never seems to last long. I try to not think of myself, I think of the poor and disadvantaged, the people being persecuted around the world for their beliefs. The rich getting richer while children die in large numbers everyday or become orphans. It is overwhelming, and certainly much worse than what I go through...or is it. Every person deals with and lives with their own sorrows and wrong doings. I have always told my patients that their pain/grief/anger/angst is their own...never to compare what their reality is to someone else, someone worse. I do not think God would want it this way...we would never learn for ourselves then.

I know God has been putting on my heart more and more to pray for this world. At no time do I look at prayer as not being enough, for people like myself who at this point in their lives are unable to travel and help or even give larger tithes, prayer is about all we have some days and for others it is all they will have as they sit in cells or wasted homes.

I don't think I can come up with any good or satisfactory reason for feeling like I do right now. I know I will look back on it one day and see the good that has come of it, and honestly I already do see some. But if the only thing that comes of this is that I have learned to be still...still in body and mind, quiet enough to talk to God for long periods of time everyday, to include Him when my mind is quietly rambling away thinking of "things", "people", "life" for that itself I will be eternally grateful. I feel like He is just a part of every conversation that goes on in my mind, trust me idle body leaves me lots of time to think of others.

When people say to me I have no time for myself...I always think "find it, or it will find you" I think it is one of the most important things Jesus tried to teach us in the years before His death...of Mary and Martha and others.

I do believe it is time for me to return to some reading or re-reading of some books I have found faithful to me in these lower times ones that can put my mind out of the valley and onto a sun soaked meadow where I will walk with my Lord and not have these questions...for a time anyway, as much as I wish I were like Jesus I know I am only human and the questions will resurface from time to time...but hopefully so will some lessons, answers, truths because with our God that is the one thing He promises us Truth. So I will trust in that truth and go search it out again...I will keep you up to date on what I find...

God bless

Saturday

2010-01-09T08:16:00.001-08:00

I like Saturdays. Everyone sleeps in except me usually, which is fine. I get a quiet morning and then time to spend with my family.

This weekend Matthew, Andrew and Josh have borrowed my car to head down to Vancouver for Mission Fest. A definite exercise in trust, they are all trustworthy but they are all young adults. Sometimes I am amazed at how little trouble they do get into when I think of what my late teen years were like...best described as a train wreck and left at that. They are three young men looking for adventure and a calling from God. I hope they find both.

Today finds me feeling a bit improved over the last week. It has been a hard one. I am still feeling somewhat short of breath, but I think the severe muscle fatigue is letting up some, so I will be happy with that for now.

I am hoping to fit in some exercise today, I did none yesterday and I am trying to not allow more that 1 day between some kind of exercise...nothing too strenuous today probably just stretching and a few floor exercises that I have...maybe I'll hit the bike later for a try at my 30 minutes.

I am craving biscuits like crazy...weird. Maybe when the girls get up they can make some for me..